I Worry

I worry that I am beginning to forget what my Mom's voice sounded like.

I worry that I'm forgetting my Gram Carpenter's giggle and my Gram Eldred's embrace.

From 2004-2006, I lost these three very important women. It was a dark time. I felt like part of my identity had been taken with them. By the time I turned 23, all of them were gone.

For the first time in my life, I felt the urge to go to Church. I had too many losses and too many questions, and I didn't know where else to turn. We attended a Protestant church in Steve's hometown the Sunday after mom passed, and never looked back. I became a believer in God, and received the spirituality I was looking for.

I hope to be lucky enough to live a long, meaningful life. If so, I already am sensing a small sense of dread- how will I hold onto these memories of my mom and grandmothers throughout all of my years?

Last week, part of that answer came. I was at Look Park with the kids, and a butterfly, the first one we've seen this year, flew up to us, and flew around each of us, as if to say Hello. This is not the first time this has happened.

Since 2006, I have noticed that butterflies simply seem to come around me quite a bit when I'm outside. It usually isn't just one, they usually came in pairs or trios. It happened with such frequency, that I even remarked to Steve about it. One evening when we were sitting out, he noticed it before I did.

Could it just be that they like the same places I do and that's why they come around? Maybe. But I'd like to think they are little gifts from God. Every time I see them, I feel my mom and grandmothers' spirits and I remember things about them that I thought I had forgotten.

I believe they are with me at all times, looking out for me, Steve and the kids. When Rosie fell six feet off of the playground without any injury? I believe it was our Guardian Angels who lessened her fall.

I'm going to try to stop worrying about forgetting things and start concentrating on remembering things:

Like the solid weight of Buddy in my arms,

Like Rosie's singsong voice,

Like the feel of Steve's arms around me when we hug.


I have to live in the moment and be present.