Homeless

There was a time when I couldn't walk downtown Northampton or Greenfield without the chance of running into my aunt or uncle.

My homeless, usually buzzed or drunk, aunt and uncle.

My entire life they drifted around the area, never going further than Connecticut, and always coming back to Western Massachusetts. Sometimes they lived together, trying to get by, other times they led completely separate lives.

Both of them, alcoholics. Both of them, wandering through life with no real purpose.

Once in a while, they would come around my grandparents' house, seemingly having put their lives in order, at least to an extent. The facade, the normalcy, would only exist for a short time before the demons caught up and took over once again. In and out of jail, substance abuse programs, rehab, you name it. One moment they seemed to want to take charge of their lives, the next moment they were stealing money and breaking our family's hearts in the process.

I remember one summer evening after work, I was walking to a restaurant in downtown Hamp with a friend. Suddenly, my rail-thin aunt was stumbling down the sidewalk toward me. "Krisss?" she slurred as she enveloped me in a huge, tight hug. I hugged her back, tentatively. I hadn't seen her in 3 years. She somehow didn't look worse for the wear, although I knew she had really only been existing on a liquid diet. She stepped back and took me in with her huge, blue eyes. "You look so much like your mom, my sister. I miss her so much. Are you doing okay?" I was surprised at how coherent she was in that moment, and how much I could see my mom in her. I told her I was doing okay, and then she started giving me her usual lines about how she'd love to get her life on track, but x, y and z was preventing it, and did I know she had a new boyfriend? Although his drinking problem was worse than hers, and he has seizures all the time.

We parted ways and I walked on with my friend, shaken. Over the years, I had to distance myself emotionally from both her and my uncle because they were unreliable and I saw the hurt they caused the rest of the family. Running into them, in the scenario I described above, was unsettling. This was not how normal families were. One black sheep? OK. Two? Sometimes in the same city that I frequented for shopping and eating? It was too much. I could never walk downtown freely without the worry of running into them, and I would feel guilty of my own life when I saw them. Guilty because I had a full-time job, a husband, and a roof over my head. Things one should not have to feel guilty about, but yet, I did, because it felt uncomfortable to be doing better than my older aunt and uncle. It felt uncomfortable that they had been dealt monumental struggles and I had not.

Sadly, both of them met tragic ends. The drinking took over, as we all thought it might, and they both died from it. They could not be saved, and if I told you all the effort that had been put in over the years to try to save them, you would be exhausted.

And you would understand.

Homeless people with substance abuse problems do have families. Families that care very, very much, but who can only do so much before they start hurting their own lives in the process.We loved them, but that was not enough to save them.

Loss

I recently found out that someone I know lost her mother, and I felt my heart constrict .

I know that kind of loss too well. The memories of those feelings are so strong, it could have happened yesterday. It felt like someone reached into my chest and squeezed my heart as hard as they could. It felt like the ground opened up beneath my feet and swallowed me whole with the words "Mom's dead". It felt like I had entered an alternate universe, a world that was never, ever going to look the same.

It still doesn't.

When you lose someone close to you, there are two time periods- the one you spent with them and the one in which you have to continue on without them. The latter is an unbearable thought in the first minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, even years. The grief was so raw, I felt like I was walking around, emotionally naked. No defenses, no cover, from the tidal waves of sadness and anger.

I cried every single day, in my car, on the way home from work, for months after my mom passed, and often on the way into work, too. The grief wreaked havoc on my mind and on my body. Every little thing was a reminder of her- music, places, even the way one of the towns I passed through looked in the evening commute darkness, as I had driven it with her more times that I could possibly count.

Family and friends were patient as they waited for me to come out of the storm. It took a while. Somewhere in there we planned our wedding, and life went on. I was thankful for the people I was surrounded by- they offered love, patience, shoulders to cry on and ears to listen.

That is about all you can do for someone who has lost a loved one- be there for them, and be consistent. They need all the anchors they can get while they weather one of the worst storms of all- the loss of someone they loved, someone they never wanted to picture a day without.

Little Miracles

I can't deny it: it's hard for me to find the beauty in 6 degree winter mornings.

Instead of beauty, I see a 10 year old car that needs sufficient warming up before going anywhere, two kids that I have to wrangle coats, boots, hats and mittens on, and two wood stoves that need to be checked on (more than once, because I am paranoid that my house is going to burn down while I'm away).

We finally get in the car and are on our way to preschool.

As I pull into the parking lot, Buddy exclaims: "Look at the school! It's sparkling!"

Sure enough, it was.

Tiny snowflakes had dotted the side of the pale yellow building and white fence, and the 8:30am sunlight was catching them perfectly. They shimmered and twinkled and sparkled.

We looked around and noticed that the sparkling continued onto the small surrounding snow banks.

All this beauty, right in front of me, that I failed to see because I was too focused on the annoyances surrounding a 6 degree morning. It didn't take me long to also realize the beauty in Buddy saying two clear sentences. For so long, I worried about his speech development. Now, here he was, using his words to show me that magic can still be found, even on cold winter mornings.

Little miracles are all around us if we take the time to listen and look.

2015

Right now, I feel so conscious of the very first days of 2015.

On the first day, I rejoiced in being able to sleep in until 9:30. Thanks, hubby! On the second day, I had the house to myself in the morning and crossed things off left and right on my To Do list. On the third day, I reveled in a spontaneous lunch date with my husband after we learned that a party we were going to attend was cancelled (but we still had babysitters!). We had a gift card, which meant I could definitely order dessert- my favorite- chocolate chip cookie bake.

Have I mentioned that I haven't looked at the scale in a little while? But, I will, today, with school resuming. It was a glorious 2 weeks of not sticking to routine, and getting time to do things and see people and eat delicious food. Today, I will get back on track. I know I will- because I won't give myself any other option!

Unlike previous years, I had no grandiose resolutions in mind heading into 2015. So far, that's turning out okay. I think by not setting my resolutions ahead of time, they have shown themselves in these first few days:

1. I want to spend more un-distracted time with my kids, husband, friends and family. I'm putting my phone in my purse so I'll look at it less.

2. I want to read and write more.

3. I want to find something good in each day, even when the day seems rotten.

4. I want to stay grounded and in the flow of family life even though our evenings are often consumed with meetings of some sort that take Steve or I out of the house.

5. I want to go to Church more.

6. I want to start looking at big picture things again- wills, life insurance, etc. 2014 was the fastest year of my life and was proof that the years can and will fly by. While we can't control everything that happens to us, we can make plans for the future, for home improvement, for anniversary getaways, etc.

I think it's going to be a great year.

Rich in Time

I have always said that one of the reasons I survive as a stay at home mom is because my husband is a teacher. This past week and a half has illustrated that perfectly.

When Steve's home, he does everything with the kids that I do- meal time, bath time, diaper changing time and everything in between. There's nothing I do that he doesn't (okay, I don't think he's ever trimmed their nails. But we'll let it slide).

Within the first few days of having him home this winter break, I felt the stress inside of me start to subside. It was so nice to have someone else drive Rosie to school for the first time this school year, change Buddy's diapers (when, oh, when will that boy want to start potty training?), and just, in general, be a constant helping hand.

It makes all the difference.

Our family of four with two dogs living off of a teacher's pay is not a rich family, monetarily-wise, but we are rich in time together. We go on one out of state vacation a year, (Hampton Beach for 3 nights), but we get to be around each other, at home, for a week in December, February, April and approximately 8 weeks in the summer. We drive the same cars we bought 10 years ago, but we are thankful they are still running (knock on wood) and they have handled our family fine so far.

While money is sometimes a stressor, we have been able to do okay. My two part-time jobs have helped a bit. I remember how scary it was to go from two full-time incomes to one when we realized that the cost of daycare would eat up my entire paycheck.

I am very thankful that we have been able to make this lifestyle work for us. Because I get more help from Steve throughout the year with the kids, I get to keep my sanity (mostly) intact, and the time we share together as a family will be something we always look back on fondly.

Friday Five: Truths

1. For chocolate lovers like myself, brownies are the Ultimate Chocolatey Dessert. Also, I should not have any in my house.

2. When temperatures get into the 40's, I start to think crazy thoughts like: "I don't even need a jacket", just because it feels so much warmer than temps in the 20's.

3. There is absolutely nothing more delicious than homemade comfort food this time of year. Steve made clam chowder on Tuesday, which we enjoyed with a big loaf of garlic bread. I could eat just carbs until at least March and be perfectly happy.

4. There are two camps of people: those who enjoy mint/peppermint flavor (coffee, ice cream, etc), and those who don't. There is no in between. I fall in the former category and try to remain respectful of those who fall in the latter.

5. There are no guarantees when it comes to how your children will respond to Santa. Rosie said "Hello", told him her name, and then took up residence behind my legs. Buddy, who was clinging to Steve, all of a sudden walked over, Santa picked him up, and they sat and talked a few minutes. In shock, I got out my phone and was able to snap a few pics.

(Are 3 of my 5 truths about food? I guess it really is that time of the year!)

One Week to Go

I think back in October I saw the first Christmas items being put up in Target and decided then and there that I was not going to let the consumer madness get to me this year.

I did not need to buy All The Things.

Christmas lights? Ornaments? Stockings? Got 'em already. Have had them for years.

I listened to Rosie ask for a very specific toy, and with some cajoling, heard from Buddy, too. There. That was settled. Those would be what Santa brought!

And then, as we've done the past few years, we thought of a joint toy that they would both enjoy (definitely one of the pluses to having our kids so close together!)

In fact, I've become so relaxed as far as gift buying is concerned, that I slightly worry that I've majorly dropped the ball somehow. But I've managed to remember the newspaper carrier and the mail lady, so I must be doing okay.

Let's hope.

I've really been trying to remember "the reason for the season" and enjoy magic wherever I can find it- the Christmas tree softly lighting the whole living room, the kids finding delight in a favorite of mine and Steve's- "The Muppet Christmas Carol", the guilt-inducing deliciousness of egg nog and spiced rum.

Literally before we know it, Christmas will be over and done with for another year. I'm really going to try to enjoy it and not get frenzied as I feel I tend to in December. One week to go- let's soak it in.