Letting God

I have not been the best mother lately. Or the best person, for that matter. My patience tank has been running close to empty for a few days now, and the worst part is, it doesn't really make sense.

I've had time away from the kids. Steve and I have been able to get out a few times in the past weeks. If anything, I should be rejuvenated, refreshed, ready to take on the world. But there's that sneaky word- should- and I'd probably do well to banish it from my vocabulary, because really, it does a number on me.

When will I learn that just because I "should" be feeling a certain way, does not mean I will?

At least I'm recognizing it, I guess? I see my thin, thin patience and I see myself apologizing to both Steve and the kids left and right. I know I'm cranky, I know I'm irritable. I'm trying to snap out of it.

Yesterday morning, the kids and I were in one car, following Steve in his car to his parents' house, where he was going to drop it off to work on after church. My cell phone rang.

"My parents aren't going to church and have offered to take the kids so we can go enjoy church together."

I'm telling you, those are the very best phone calls. An unexpected light in the darkness, on a day on which I was trying to muddle through my unpleasant emotions. I quickly said yes, dropped off our happy kids, and Steve and I were on our way to church, alone, for the first time in a very long time.

We got to sit next to each other for an entire church service without interruption. I got to worship with my husband, and fill my spiritual tank. As I sat there, I felt an unmistakable peace and calm wash over me. I had given my troubles over to God. He was taking care of me.

I left our church feeling so much lighter. There really is something to say about "letting go and letting God." I need to consciously remember to do this more often.

V Day Traditions

Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far away, in a townhouse on the MCLA campus in North Adams, an engaged couple did something for Valentine's Day that they never dreamed would still be a tradition nine years later.

They ate McDonald's and drank white zinfandel by candlelight.

Classy, right?

The part of that tradition that remains is the candlelit part. While we still eat at McDonald's on occasion, the meals we know how to cook are much more scrumptious. And as far as white zinfandel is concerned, well, let's just say that our tastes have matured a little since that evening.

Tonight we will enjoy our 9th annual candlelit dinner. We've enjoyed it at college, at our first apartment in Cummington, our next place in Huntington, and now for the fourth year at our current home. A few new faces have joined us at the table since that first dinner, and they love the candles. They seem awed by it, enough to make me consider doing it weekly!

Last year I made a special dessert in the crock pot that I am definitely making again tonight: Hot Fudge Cake! You can find the recipe here. For the record, I did not get vanilla ice cream to go with it. I consider most things vanilla to be a waste of calories (hooray- something sweet I don't like!). Instead I got Friendly's Vienna Mocha Chunk, that I may or may not have had a little of already.

Enjoy your valentine's day, whatever your traditions may be!

The Making of the Valentines

There are a lot of firsts that come with your child's first year of preschool. One of them is helping them make valentines for their classmates. When I realized this, my stomach clenched for just a second.

You see, I am not the craftiest of people. I did not enjoy art class in school. I've always felt clumsy with art supplies. As my stomach unclenched, I became determined that we were going to make our own valentines (there's nothing at all wrong with bought ones, I happily gave those out for years in grade school). I just needed to conquer my "art fear" once again, and come up with an idea.

As good ideas tend to happen, the pieces for the valentines seemed to fall into my hands at the right time. I had to buy the white paper doilies I saw in one store, and some dog and cat heart stickers that were hanging right next to them. When I found some foam red, white and pink hearts, I knew we were good to go.

Rosie and I sat down to make these, and she was very excited. She enjoyed gluing the paper doily hearts on top of the foam hearts. I admit, here, that my OCD tendencies tried to fight their way in, and I had to restrain myself from straightening the hearts (I know, bad, isn't it?) But the important thing is, I didn't. I let her glue the hearts the way she wanted to, and lo and behold, the slightly off-center hearts looked good. So much better than my OCD hearts would have looked.

She put stickers on each of the valentines, and we wrote the names. The last step was to tape small bags of valentine fruit snacks to the back of them. This was not a decision I made lightly. I had hemmed and hawed over what treat Rosie should give out. I don't even know if you're supposed to in preschool! See, I really don't know much about preschool etiquette at all. Maybe every one does the store bought cards and no one gives out treats. Maybe everyone makes the best Pinterest cards you've ever seen and there's the most sugary candy you can imagine attached to it.

I have no idea. I figured fruit snacks were a safe bet.

I'm excited for Rosie's very first valentine's day party. It also coincides with their pajama day, which I think is awfully cute. I have very fond memories of valentine's day parties at school, opening up every valentine, eating healthy snacks being on a fun sugar high. It'll be interesting to see how much things have changed since "my school days". I'm still willing to bet it'll be her favorite day of school yet.

Little Shoes, Little People

A lot of the time I get caught up in things and fail to take in the miracle of it all.

I'll be going about my day, and then I'll see something very simple, captured in the picture above: my husband's shoes that he wears for work wedged in between our kids' little shoes.

Little shoes= little people. We have two little people! They wear shoes!

Now before you become worried, do realize that I am fully aware that these beings did not just come into existence yesterday. It's just that, sometimes it really hits me- we have kids. Two of them. There was a time not so long ago when I wasn't sure I was going to have any, as I wrote about in this post.

Lately when it's my turn to put Rosie to bed for the night, she lies down then holds her arms out to grab me and hold me close. I let her hold me as long as she wants (usually just a minute or so), because I love these moments so. She tells me she wants to "keep me forever." I ask you, how am I not supposed to cry?

We have little people who wear little shoes, but their beautiful effect on my life has been one of the biggest things to ever happen to me.

That Used to be Me

My alarm went off at 1:30am, like it does every other night. I stumbled into the wood stove room, keeping my eyes half closed. I do this so that I don't wake fully; otherwise it makes it really hard to fall back asleep.

I load the wood stove (much like a baby, it needs to be tended to every night. The difference is I can go back to sleep immediately, not having to worry about waking up again any time soon). I notice a lone car drive by our house, its headlights glaringly bright in the otherwise still darkness.

I pause to wonder who it is and where they're going. Especially at this late of an hour.

As I head back to the bedroom, the clock in the dining room catches my eye and I am reminded that it's "only" 1:30am. It's really not that absurd that someone would be driving this time of night; heck-not that long ago I was still partying at this time of night (college) or still at the bowling alley with friends (high school).

That person in that car, heading home after a late night of fun- that used to be me.

Times have changed a little bit! Now I need an alarm to get me up at 1:30, and I've already been asleep a few hours by then. I smile at this as I wrap the still-warm covers around me and snuggle in for a few more hours of sleep.

Missing Moms

Mom friends on Facebook, where are you? I see picture after picture of your kids, your pets, your dinner. But rarely do I find a picture of you.

I can't even find you in your profile picture.

I get it; I'm guilty of it, too. Truth is, it's hard to be in the picture when we're the ones taking them. But how does that explain our unmarried, childless friends? They post selfies all the time. And I love it! I like seeing their beautiful, smiling faces.

Where did we go?

We got busy with kids, busy with life. Taking pictures of our kids as they changed before our eyes felt more important than taking a picture of ourselves in a great outfit. But, I ask you this- if we don't take any pictures of ourselves, what will our children have to remember us by?

I have precious few pictures of my mom and grandma. I remember them distinctly hating the camera because they didn't like the way they looked in pictures. Whenever I see a bad picture of me, I try to remember what Steve's grandmother tells me: "Don't worry. You'll like the picture 10 years from now."

Let's reverse this trend. Let's get ourselves back in the picture, moms. Let's try to take more selfies, with or without our kids, even if we wish we were 10 pounds lighter. We can't wait forever to take a "good picture". Let's really try this year.

I will if you will.

I Confess

I confess

...that I eat really unhealthily when I'm down and out with a cold. I don't know what it is, but only salt and chocolate appeal to me in those times. The kids and I mowed down a box of Dunkin Donuts munchkins the other day.

...that I'm about to go a little stir crazy because our plans for this past weekend were once again cancelled/ postponed due to sickness. We're talking 4 weekends in a row here. Yikes, 2014. Way to keep us on our toes.

...that I am a real wimp when it comes to the cold this year. But it has been really cold, right? I live in fleeces and layers, and not even my neck has seen the light of day in weeks. Sorry, husband.

...that because of the aforementioned cold, I take steaming hot showers and stand by the wood stove constantly even though I know it's horrible for my skin (dryness). I'm willing to pay the price!

...that texting with good friends of mine have been one of the reasons I've survived the last few week or so of sickness and not going anywhere. I can't fathom being a rural stay at home mom before the advent of the internet and texting. Between the two, I have lifelines and never feel alone.