Infertility

There was a time when I didn't think I was going to be able to have any babies of my own.

Steve and I had been trying for over a year. My cycles were irregular, which meant I never could tell if I was just late as usual, or if maybe we had finally gotten lucky. A lot of negative pregnancy tests were taken and a lot of tears were shed.

Why was it that we, a stable, loving couple, couldn't conceive, but people who didn't even want kids were conceiving every day?

I specifically remember a beach vacation we took in August 2009 at Ocean City, Maryland. It was a perfect Steve & Kris kind of vacation- drinking, eating and a lot of lazy-bums-on-the-beach relaxation for hours on end. During one of those hours on the beach, I started talking to God. I told Him how much I enjoyed this vacation, but how I definitely felt like something was missing. I confessed that the vacation almost felt empty- yes, we were having a blast, but we had been having fun as a couple for seven years. It felt like we were waiting for something. It seemed like there had to be more to life than just the two of us having fun. To us, building a life together meant having children. We were ready.

A few months later, both Steve and I had doctor appointments to make sure everything was in working order. The doctor I saw made a joke that usually right after someone comes in to get checked out, they get pregnant. I was not too amused by such a comment.

But, he was right. On December 7th, 2009, I saw a positive pregnancy test for the first time. And another, and another because I kept taking them just to make sure. My reality shifted and I became weak at the thought of a tiny person growing inside of me.  It was at that moment my pre-mom world dissolved and I became forever conscious that I was responsible for this little life that we had created.

Infertility is not talked about all that often. Think of all the couples you know who have children- how many of them have discussed how long it took to happen? Probably not many.

What I want to say to all women who are trying to get pregnant but so far haven't had luck: It's not because you took birth control for too long (I really thought this at one point about myself). It's not because you're not a worthy enough person to become a parent. You are. I hope and pray that someday you can share the joy I first experienced on that December morning. It took 15 months for us. It does not come easily to everyone, and it does not seem fair. I understand your struggle and I wish it were talked about more so you didn't feel alone.