Letting Go

Well, I did it. I managed to hold back the tears until Buddy and I got back to the car.

It was my first time dropping Rosie off at preschool this past Wednesday. The first time in 3.5 years that I dropped her off and left her in the care of people who were not family. And although I knew she'd do great, even though I was so proud of her as she immediately immersed herself in the activity around her instead of clinging to me, my chest never felt tighter as I walked Buddy back out to the car.

For the first time I really realized what this quote meant: "Having children is like letting your heart walk around outside of your body."

I did some intermittent crying that morning, while bewildered Buddy tried to kiss my tears away. It had never been just me and him. Without Rosie, we were going to have to redefine ourselves a little bit.

We went to a play group where there were moms who understood exactly what I was feeling, as they had felt the same emotions a year or two before when their oldest kids started preschool. It was the right place to be that day. I started to bask in the easiness of just watching one of my kids, only having to get one kid in and out of the car, etc. By the end of the morning, I was still feeling shaky emotion-wise, but I was so excited to go pick her up.

One of my very good friends had assured me earlier: "The first day is the toughest drop-off but also the best pick-up."

She was right.

I opened the door to the classroom tentatively. As soon as Rosie saw me, her face lit up in the biggest smile and she ran straight into my arms for a huge hug. Again, I somehow managed to hold back the tears! I don't know how.

Meanwhile, Buddy had taken off his coat and hat. I think he thought he was starting school, too. No, Buddy, no! You're still all mine for another year or so. I can only imagine the flood of emotions that will come with sending my youngest to school.

Not going to think about that right now. Instead I'll relish pouring over Rosie's first Scholastic Reading Club flier with her. This is going to be fun.