Ordinary

I hung the clothes up on the line. I got the kids up, got them dressed, made them breakfast. I put ingredients in the crock pot for Scalloped Potatoes. I filled up our bag with snacks and water for our trip to Target, in which we hunted down a vacuum belt. After Target (where, of course, we ended up buying more than just the vacuum belt), we went to one of our favorite playgrounds on the way home, and ran around for 40 minutes.

The list above seems pretty mundane. Domestic.

But, that day, for whatever reason, I found myself being thankful for that Ordinary Day.

I got to thinking of all the people in the world right now who would do most anything for the kind of Ordinary Day that the kids and I were experiencing. People facing difficult decisions. People facing operations on themselves or loved ones. People facing pain, hurt or loss.

Because when it comes down to it, aren't the Ordinary Days going to be the ones we look back most fondly at? Sure, we'll remember the Big Days- births, graduations, weddings. But out of all the days of our lives, the Ordinary Days will outnumber the Big Days by a wide margin.

I just have this feeling that in 10-15 years, I'd give anything to go back in time, and have nothing more pressing to do in the middle of a weekday than to push my kids on the swings and seesaw with them.

On that day, as I was doing just that, (seesawing), I saw a lady in her 80's walking her dog along the edge of the playground. She looked at us. I looked at her, and we both waved.

I hope I can be that lady, someday, walking my dog on an ordinary day, and see a young mom and her kids playing, and smile and remember. I hope I can think to myself: "You know, those ordinary days were pretty special after all."

Friday Five: Current Obsessions

My name is Kristen Estelle, I'm 30 years old, and I'm currently obsessed with:

1. Breaking Bad. We are, at long last, on Season 5. Gone are the days when we used to be able to watch 6 episodes in a row. Between busy schedules and kids, it's taken us a year to get through four seasons. Now we're on the last one. We are watching the episodes I DVR'd a year ago, haha. Anyways, amazing series. Love it, love it. Can't wait to see how it wraps up.

2. Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins. The second book of the Hunger Games series. Again, if time and the need for sleep weren't an issue, I'd have finished it by now, but that being said, I eagerly look forward to reading this book every night. I'm going to have to get my hands on the third book soon and I can't wait for the second movie to come out in November.

3. Greek yogurt with granola. I am really late to the game when it comes to the obsession with greek yogurt, but I can see why it exists. Took a little getting used to, but, wow. So much better than regular yogurt. Even better when you add some granola to it. It's my go-to mid-afternoon snack.

4. Twisted Old Vine Zinfandel. Okay, I'm not obsessed, I have only drank this wine twice in the past year. But the most recent time, I got hooked all over again. It has such good flavor, as the bottle notes: "...an explosion of blackberry jam, chocolate covered cherries, spicy nutmeg, and luscious ripe plum...". Hands down my favorite red besides the ones that Steve makes. The second best part? It's in the $5 wine section of the liquor store.

5. Aveeno products. I'm a believer! I've been using their Daily Moisturizer SPF 15 for years. Nothing comes close to the value and the softness it brings to my skin while still giving me UV protection. I've also started using two of their other products- skin brightening daily scrub and intensive night cream. I've been very pleased with both, and have definitely noticed a nice change in my skin. The fragrance is light and none of their products feel heavy or greasy. I love finding "forever products" that I no longer need to be on the hunt for!

What's your latest "obsession"?

Pointing to Heaven

"Let's see who this is from," I said to Rosie, as we reached the last birthday present in the pile on the blanket. By this point of the present opening, she was in full princess/fairy regalia that came from a previous gift we had already opened.

"Happy Birthday, Rosie! Love, Great Grandma and Great Grandpa in Heaven." My voice cracked. Gramp's passing was all to recent, and it didn't take much to hit that soft spot. I didn't even think Rosie had heard me because my voice had broken.

I guess she did, though, because, as solemn as could be, she pointed to the sky. To Heaven.

There wasn't a dry eye to be seen at the party.

I talk to my kids all day, every day, about everything. About the big rigs driving by, the ant hills at our feet, Great Grampa in Heaven, up in the clouds with God, looking down and smiling at us. I never know much of it actually sinks in. Apparently that one did.

My other teary eyed moment lately came from Buddy. I was carrying him, and started singing a few lines from "You are my Sunshine". All of a sudden, he wiggled around in my arms, obviously wanting to get down. I set him down, and he ran for the glider. He sat in it, and then patted the part of the seat next to him. I sat down, he crawled onto my lap, and started sucking his thumb.

Sure enough, he remembered me singing that to him, as a little baby, back when I used to swaddle him and rock him to sleep in that chair. I did it again for him, my heart overfilling with love. I was in disbelief that he remembered me rocking him to that particular song. We hadn't done that in...over a year? How do they remember?

Kids, you gotta stop it. I'm an emotional mess with these kind of things you're doing lately! On the other hand, don't. They're the moments that make me realize that every day I spend with you is, indeed, priceless.

Midnight Seesawing

I remembered the neatest thing last week.

I was at a playground with the kids (we visit as many as we can, like it's our job. Because it is). We were playing on the seesaw, and all of a sudden, instead of Rosie on the other end, I saw my grandma.

My smiling 55 year old grandma, seesawing with me at midnight.

Okay, it probably wasn't midnight. But I can tell you it was past 10pm, and pretty much anything after 10pm felt like midnight to my 12 year old self.

She was just the Coolest Grandma. Period. The End.

My grandma and grandpa were only 43 when I was born. They had my mom when they were 18, which is why then ended up being really young grandparents. My most fun childhood memories involve them. My gram watched me every weekday until I went to school, then it was overnights and school vacations at their house while my parents worked.

We went camping, bike riding, hiking, canoeing, you name it. My grandparents, being so young, had energy and were incredibly active. Because of them, I developed a love for the outdoors.

Back to midnight seesawing. It must have been a Saturday night sleepover in late spring. My sister (5 years old at the time) and grandpa had already gone to bed. Gram always let me stay up way late when I spent the night, and we were finishing up a game when one of us had the idea to take a night walk around the block. We were already in our pajamas, but we didn't care- we knew we wouldn't be running into anyone in that sleepy town at the time of night! We started our walk and ended up at the park in the center of town. We seesawed (quietly, as it was against the rules to be in the park after dusk!). I'm certain I remember us cracking up laughing though. How could we not? We were seesawing, in our pajamas, in the park late at night.

It was a blast.

I'm so glad that fun memory bubbled to the surface. I hope I can be that fun of a grandma someday. There seems to be a carefreeness about grandmahood that doesn't always come as easily with motherhood!

Friday Night Wedding

In a little over 12 hours from now, I hope to be dancing with my honey. Either to a slow classic- maybe Sinatra- or a faster classic- maybe The Isley Brother's "Shout". Pretty much any song will do.

We will be at the wedding of a good friend of mine from college. She's marrying an Irish lad, who I look forward to finally meeting. I can't wait to see her walk down the aisle in her beautiful dress, and take in the details of this wedding and reception that I know she has carefully planned.

Weddings... the only true getaway that the husband and I get since having kids! Sure, the kids do sleepovers at Steve's parents' throughout the year, but it seems to be that only when it comes to weddings, do he and I get to still travel to places we've never been- something we loved doing before kids.

We still love it. Knowing us, the first song we'll play on this road trip to New York is Willie Nelson's "On the Road Again", as is our tradition. I don't think I'll actually believe we're going to a new destination three hours away until we're on 90 West, crossing the state line. That in itself will be a small thrill because I definitely know I haven't driven that road since kids.

We're going to download a new comedy routine for the iPod, and just enjoy the ride. Check into the hotel (hopefully early if they'll let us), relax, and take the shuttle provided (yes!) to the wedding, which begins at 5:30pm. I think we'll see a few familiar faces from college, and I can't wait to (probably) get teary eyed at the service, then enjoy the party afterwards- the party celebrating the marriage of a dear friend and her husband.

Our wedding is already seeming so long ago to me! But as I went about getting ready to go to this wedding, I did my own little preparations- I cleaned both my wedding and engagement rings, something I don't do nearly as often as I should. I painted my nails and toenails, put together the jewelry I'll want to wear with my dress. I thought about my friend, what a Big Day today is for her, and how it's just the beginning of a glorious ride.

One day soon, she might be in the same shoes- mom of two kids, getting ready to go to a wedding where all she has to do is relax, enjoy and reflect on her own marriage thus far. It might be the only time she gets to go somewhere new. In these shoes or newly married- both are pretty good spots in life to be in.

Let Them Get Messy

When I was growing up, I was highly discouraged from getting dirty or wet when I played. I don't ever remember using paint until Kindergarten, and the thought of purposefully jumping in puddles made me shudder.

I don't tell this for the sake of having a pity party. I tell this because it helps me understand why it's sometimes hard for me to let the kids make a mess. I have to consciously let my kids get dirty and wet during play. Whether it be water, dirt, mud, paint or markers, I have to let them. It's the way kids learn best. This I know, even if it wasn't my own experience.

Making a mess is not something that comes naturally to me. It's taking a lot of retraining on my part. I can't tell you the number of times I've had to stop myself from saying: "Don't do that! You'll get wet/messy/etc". The truth is, most kids don't mind getting messy. It's mostly because of disapproving adults that children begin to think that dirty equals bad.

Playgrounds are a prime example. Small puddles of water are at the end of each slide in the morning, and the sandbox is a little muddy. Rosie went down a slide, got her bottom wet, and looked at me questioningly. Instead of the old me, who would have been annoyed and bothered, I said "It's alright, honey. We have extra clothes in the car." She smiled and went on her way, not bothered at all with wet pants.

Buddy was digging in the sandbox, and he was dumping some of the pails that had rain water in them directly onto his shoes. This surely would have bothered me a few years ago. Now? I knew they'd dry in the sun that afternoon. I've had to tell myself over and over that there is nothing wrong with them getting dirty. Change the outfit when they're done playing. Don't dress them in something you wouldn't want to get dirty. Carry extra clothes in the car at all times.

It's pretty simple.

One last step that I still forget sometimes- I have to dress for play, too. When I know we're going to use paint, or be outdoors, I need to wear clothes that I don't care terribly about, so I don't have to be "afraid" of getting dirty, either. I do these things because I don't want my kids to think dirty equals bad. I want them to think that messy equals fun, something I'm learning through them every day.

Going to Work

"Be good for Daddy," I said first to Buddy as I kissed him on the forehead, then Rosie. "Mommy's going to work."

I can't deny it, it felt good to say it.

Not because I've missed work. Not because I think a need a job to be important.

It felt good to say it because I want to be an example to my children. I want to show them that, after 3 years of being a stay at home mom, I felt like I could do more, so I am doing more. That feeling first began two years ago when I was elected to school committee. From the get-go, I enjoyed the meetings, being a part of something and making decisions. I enjoyed getting my head out of Mommy-dom a few hours a month.

Then the newsletter editor/clerk position with the Council on Aging came up. It seemed right, and it was- I do 90% of the work from home, it doesn't take important time away from the kids and it keeps my toes in the working world.

That night that I kissed Rosie and Buddy goodbye, it was time to print my first newsletter. I got in my Focus and drove the less than 2 miles to the center of town. I parked, got my box of stuff, and headed to the door, keys in hand- the keys to my old elementary school, that now houses the town offices. I couldn't help but smile as I unlocked the door, and walked into the entrance way that seemed so big when I was a Kindergartner. I went down the hall, and unlocked yet another door- the classroom I had grades 2nd through 4th.

I was going to print, staple, label and stamp roughly 200 newsletters in the classroom I spent nearly every day in for three years. It was a future I simply couldn't have imagined!

My supervisor and another member of the COA came to help me, which I was very thankful for, as it took us a few hours with the three of us. We worked, talked and laughed. I came home feeling very satisfied.

Could I "just" be a stay at home mom? Yes. No one would question it. There's nothing wrong with "just" being or doing anything. But when you have a feeling you could tackle more? That maybe there's something out there that you would enjoy and would help you grow? It's always worth taking a shot.

I'm glad I did.

Less Watching, More Doing

My TV habits have changed a lot in the past few years.

When I first became a stay at home mom, I would watch shows like "Judge Judy", "The Price is Right" and "The Talk" daily. I daresay it's what helped me get through those bleak days when I was sleep deprived, adult interaction deprived and feeling a little lost.

I remember when I stopped watching as much TV- it was when Rosie really started noticing it, around 9 months old. It would put her in a zombie-like state and she would watch it forever if I let her.

I decided that wasn't happening.

So then I started saving my shows for when she napped. Then I had Buddy, and I did rely on it a little heavily at times when I needed it to occupy Rosie. As soon as we all snapped out of the 2nd newborn fog, the TV got turned on less and less.

The kids watch approximately 20 minutes during the morning when I'm getting them dressed and making breakfast, and for about 30 minutes in the afternoon after they get up from their nap. It works. It's just enough that it's still very much a "treat". There are days when it's on much more than that, and there are days when it's turned on even less than that.

I'm excited about the shows Steve and I like that will be returning in the next few weeks. It's a sure sign of Fall! Soon we'll be hunkering down each night, watching them once the kids are in bed.

I have found that for the most part now I don't watch TV during the day, even during the kids' afternoon nap. Instead, I roast the veggies for that night's dinner. I bring in the clothes, fold them, hang another load out on the line. While I do these things, I think about this little space of mine, this blog, and the things I want to write about. I email friends.

Sometimes just vegging out on the couch with the TV on is the best thing for me, if it's been a hard day. But I have found that the more productive I am, the happier I am.

Less watching, more doing. It's been good for me, physically and mentally.

The Biggest Sap

I am the biggest sap I know.

It takes barely anything to make me cry these days. A song on the radio, a sweet exchange in a book or a movie, you name it. I have a playlist on my iPod, called "Love" where I put all the songs that remind me of Steve and the kids. "Over the Rainbow" is on it, a song I sang to both kids when I was pregnant with each, and my voice still breaks when I sing it, because I can remember how I loved them before they were even born.

I thought maybe this crying-easily-thing was a mom thing. Then I thought about it more and realized it was a little more than that.

I cry easily because I've encountered the acute pain that comes with suddenly losing someone you love deeply. I experienced that pain three times in less than a two year span, when I lost three of the most important women in my life- my mom and both my grandmothers.

I cry easily because I know I am meant to be with Steve, and 11 years later, that knowledge and my love for him still overwhelms me at times. He is my rock.

I cry easily because not once, but twice, I gave birth and witnessed the biggest miracle that there is. Every day I love my children a little more, and my heart seems to grow bigger and bigger to accommodate.

I cry easily because God made all of this possible. The births, the love, the sad goodbyes. It's easy to look the other way, spirituality-wise, when you're just going through life without too many bumps in the road. I did that myself. It's not until you experience the highest highs and the lowest lows that you can let yourself fully feel, fully experience life, and sometimes cry- not just because you're sad, not just because you're happy, but because you now know that every day counts.

Change

Rosie went on a pony ride at the fair last week. Buddy is talking up a storm.

This is my fourth September as a stay at home mom, and it is the best and easiest yet.

2010: 2 week old Rosie and me. 2011: 1 year old Rosie and 4 months pregnant me. 2012: 2 year old Rosie, 8 month old Buddy. 2013: 3 year old Rosie, almost 20 month old Buddy.

Stop right there.

Both of my kids are toddlers now? When did that happen?

I go through the day to day routine. I change the diapers, fix breakfast, lunch and dinner, wipe boogery noses, read books, sing B-I-N-G-O one more time. And somewhere, sometime during all of that, my kids grew. Right beneath my own (hopefully not too boogery) nose.

The time, which day to day can drag at times, is slipping like sand through my fingers.

I realized when I saw a Babies 'R' Us flier- hey, we haven't shopped there in almost a year...

I realized when we gave all of our baby boy clothes to Steve's sister and all of our baby girl clothes to a good friend- hey, we're done with the baby stage. We don't need these things anymore...

Bittersweet? Yes. Empowering? Yes.

We went to a family reunion a few weekends ago, and Rosie spent the whole time running around with her cousin, who is a year older. They had a blast. There was no need for me. I was pretty much in disbelief, as I retreated to the picnic table, a drink in hand. I asked myself: "Is life starting to get a little easier?"

The answer is: Yes. Rosie, my little sidekick, is more independent than she's ever been and doesn't need me by her every step of the way anymore. Buddy, my little adventurer, is still quite content to go off and discover, and bring back to me what he finds.

It took a while, but the two of them now run around the house like crazy together, laughing and giggling. "They will be each other's best friend" everyone told me, when I got pregnant so soon after Rosie. It's true- they are. It's the sweetest thing I've ever seen, the way they love each other.

Things are changing. And while it makes me a little nostalgic at times, mostly it excites me to keep going forward and seeing how life with these two little ones unfolds.

It's Official

It's official.

The hummingbirds are gone, the sun is rising later and setting earlier, and more and more frequently I'm spotting orange maple leaves glowing against the green grass. Our Apple Cider Yankee Candle is burning, and I'm making our first "cooler weather" meal of the season - Split Pea Soup- in the crock pot.

Summer is on its way out.

On one hand, I'm ready. No humidity, pumpkin spice coffee and corn mazes sound pretty spectacular right now. On the other hand, I would totally be up for more nights of playing croquet until dark, wine tastings on top of a hill with a four state view and more time in the sand and sun.

We have a lot of traditions this fall that I'm looking forward to. We like to go pumpkin picking, get lost in a corn maze and go on a hunt for the best cider donuts around. This year we plan to also do some apple picking and finally see the Fall Foliage Parade. The little things at home that will make it seem like fall are burning our fall Yankee Candle scents (we stock up on them during deals after Christmas), doing puzzles, and making leaf piles and doing fall crafts.

What's not to love?

I guess I am ready, after all.

Reflections a Year Later: The Active Part

I don't work out.

I did Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred a few weeks last winter, and while I liked aspects of it, it just wasn't something I saw myself doing every day.

I walk the dogs as often as possible but that's not how I've maintained my weight loss.

I lost 62 lbs and have maintained it because I eat healthily and I just don't stop moving.

From the moment I'm up in the morning around 6:30am, I'm throwing in a load of laundry, letting the dogs out, showering and dressing. I do sit down at the laptop with my bagel and coffee, but after that?

If I'm sitting, it must be because I'm either driving or eating lunch.

The simple act of being constantly in motion, which is made entirely possible by the fact that I now have two toddlers who are constantly in motion, is how I stay in shape. While they eat breakfast, I'm putting last night's dishes away, taking out the trash, making grocery lists. They play and run around the house until we leave for our outing of the day. At the playground? You won't see me sitting on the bench, watching. I'm standing right by or sometimes on it (not going to lie, this is more about necessity- Buddy is a little too much of a daredevil on these play structures). At the splash park, I'm right out there with them, trying to encourage them to run through the sprinklers. I'm pushing them in the double stroller. I'm pushing them on the swings.

I don't stop moving.

I didn't always have the energy for this. Back when I used to eat unhealthily, this kind of lifestyle would have exhausted me. Now that I eat better, I have the energy to keep up with the kids all day. After dinner, my energy starts to wane, but I always have two dogs staring at me and following me around because they know it's Walk Time. So, I go. Then I come back, and Steve and I tackle the dishes and I bring in the day's laundry off the clothesline, fold it and put it away.

Around 8pm, I finally sit on the couch with Steve and relax.

What a change from when I used to spend most of my day on the couch (when the kids were babies) or in an office chair (the five years I worked at the paper). It's no wonder I gained weight like crazy.

It's not to say that actual working out wouldn't be good for me. I know it would be. But right now? I'd rather "work out" by carrying a vacuum upstairs, hanging clothes up, carrying my 26 lb son around, and chasing after both kids with a sunscreen bottle in hand. I'm thankful that the very nature of what I do every day allows me to be so active. It's made all the difference.