Miss This

I've mentioned I'm the Biggest Sap, right? Just checking before I launch into this story.

Buddy and I had dropped Rosie off at preschool, and were heading downtown to pick up a few things. As he chowed down on his apple in the backseat, and I bit into a slice of orange, the song "You're Gonna Miss This" by Trace Adkins filled the car:

You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These Are Some Good Times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this

As the juice of the orange slice filled my mouth, I felt my chest tighten and my eyes well up with tears. I realized that with Rosie going to preschool, my time with her was only going to continue to decrease as time went on. She never again would be with me full time; school and other obligations would continue to take her away from me.

And after three and a half years of having that sweet girl around me 24/7, the above realization hit me like a ton of bricks. Even though I know she loves preschool and is doing so well there. Even though I know I still have Buddy full time.

I already "miss this". Yet, how many times did I feel like I was battling each day to get to the end? How many times did I wish that she was older?

It's human nature to want certain seasons of our life to pass more quickly, and it's human nature to then want those times back once they're gone. The best we can do is live in the present and be thankful for the here and now.

Time Away

As I write this, it's been 24 hours since I've held my munchkins and gave them kisses goodbye. Nana, on school vacation for the week, offered to take the kids for two nights, which doesn't happen very often. I'm used to a day away from them now and again, but more than that takes a little adjusting to.

It's so oddly quiet without them here.

The time away has been well spent so far. I got a haircut, and bought a few needed clothing items (all on sale- woot, woot!). Steve and I had a nice laid back evening at home. This morning, I got up at the luxurious hour of 7am, and quickly finished anything I had to get done. Then it was the question of what I wanted to get done- that list doesn't even get looked at some days! I painted my nails, I ate lunch slowly and read the paper all the way through. Things I always took for granted before kids now feel like small gifts.

This afternoon we're heading out to go bowling with some good friends of ours, have dinner, then back to their house for games, cards and wine making! We're making a homemade pear wine together. I can't wait to see how it turns out.

I am thankful for this time to quiet my mind. I am forever thankful for Steve's parents, who take the kids overnight at least once a month, and make these times possible for us. When I tell the kids: "Guess where you're going tomorrow?" and they shout out happily: "NANA'S!!!", well, I couldn't be more thrilled. I remember feeling that same glee about going to my grandparents' house, and I'm so glad they have that as well.

I'm going to be happy to see those two munchkins tomorrow.

Friday Five: Things I'm Digging

Here are some of the things I've been digging during the first few months of 2014. I thought maybe you'd like them, too.

1. Sam Adams Cold Snap. Someone must have been listening when I complained offhand about not being into their Winter Ale after Christmas, but not quite ready for their Alpine Spring in January. Sam Adams' solution? An in-between seasons beer, Cold Snap. It's very good; definitely a reminder that spring is on its way. They've also come out with "Escape Route", another in-betweener, but I have yet to try it.

2. On-going Scrabble games. About a month ago, I mentioned to Steve that I'd love to play Scrabble, but I didn't have the patience to play an entire actual game. His solution? In our usual puzzle spot, he plopped down the Scrabble board, and we play a few turns a day, whenever we get the chance. The other person doesn't even need to be there. It's been a fun way to play an old favorite.

3. S'mores. Yup, you read that right. Sometimes when my usual piece of dark chocolate doesn't quite cut it, I make a s'more in the microwave. I lay half of a graham cracker on a paper towel, then half of a Hershey bar, and place a marshmallow on top of that. Microwave for 10 seconds, take out, and top with the other half of the graham cracker. Melty, chocolate goodness for only 190 calories!

4. The Signature of All Things by Elizabeth Gilbert. I will admit, I was slightly skeptical of this book at first because it is historical fiction, and that is not my usual cup of tea. A few pages in, I was pleasantly surprised to find myself reading along eagerly, wondering where the story was going. I just finished it last week and feel like I'm going through withdrawal. It was that good!

5. Movies, in general. I have watched more movies this winter than I have in ages. I believe this to be a good thing because it wasn't so long ago that I had a feeling a lot of great movies were passing me by. I've become friends with Redbox and use it often. The promo codes for free rentals definitely get me to go there more than I already was! It's been nice- actually sitting down with Steve and/or the kids and watching a movie in its entirety. It's not something I always take the time for.

What are you digging these days, readers? What's getting you through the long winter months?

Stay at Home Survival

Ah, so you're going to be a stay at home parent. Congratulations! I wish you all the best, and I would like to impart on you just a few things I've learned during my 3.5 year stint:

1. Invest in some decent coffee and wine. You're going to need plenty of both to get you through. Going to one income makes you think about buying the cheap coffee to save a few bucks. I don't advise it. When you're seeing all hours of the night with a newborn, you're going to want the good stuff come 6am.

2. Do not take "stay at home" literally. Out of the five weekdays, we might stay home for one of those days. Might. The key to feeling like a functioning member of society is to continue going out into public at least once a day. Whether it's a quick trip to the store, or to the post office or to get gas- just, get out.

3. Speaking of getting out, here are a few other places you can go: any and every park and playground, the mall, the library, the pet store (we call this the poor man's zoo), the local kids-run-around and mom-gets-to-drink-a-cup-of-coffee cafe. The best place to go? Play groups. They even have ones for babies, but it's much more for the parent's sanity than anything else. I started bringing Rosie to one when she was just two months old, and never looked back. I wholeheartedly believe that she had such an easy transition to preschool because she had already been socializing with other kids for so long. Bringing her and Buddy to play groups is one of the best things I've ever done.

4. Find some stay at home parent friends. Much harder said than done, depending on where you live. I didn't feel like I had bona fide fellow stay at home parent friends until pretty recently. I'm not quite sure how I managed before them, because, honestly, they just get it. And our kids? They run around together for three hours without interruption, having a blast. I feel like right now, 3.5 years into being a stay at home mother, I finally have it made. Finally have it kind of figured out. It can take a while to feel this way! Kids getting older, and being able to do more, definitely helps.

5. A schedule is your friend, at least it was for me. Some people don't need a schedule to operate efficiently. I do, which was no surprise, considering that was a personality trait of mine before I had kids. The key is to remain flexible. So when I say "schedule", I mean a very loose interpretation of one. A general order of when things will happen throughout the day. While impossible during the newborn days, a schedule becomes possible once naps routinely happen at certain times. My kids thrive on schedules- they like knowing what comes next! Don't we all?

I wish you the best as you begin your journey doing what I believe is the hardest and best job in the world. And if you feel like you're going to go insane at any moment, shoot me a message. I will gladly commiserate with you. You are not alone. This parenting gig is hard work, but the benefits outweigh the negatives every day.

Letting God

I have not been the best mother lately. Or the best person, for that matter. My patience tank has been running close to empty for a few days now, and the worst part is, it doesn't really make sense.

I've had time away from the kids. Steve and I have been able to get out a few times in the past weeks. If anything, I should be rejuvenated, refreshed, ready to take on the world. But there's that sneaky word- should- and I'd probably do well to banish it from my vocabulary, because really, it does a number on me.

When will I learn that just because I "should" be feeling a certain way, does not mean I will?

At least I'm recognizing it, I guess? I see my thin, thin patience and I see myself apologizing to both Steve and the kids left and right. I know I'm cranky, I know I'm irritable. I'm trying to snap out of it.

Yesterday morning, the kids and I were in one car, following Steve in his car to his parents' house, where he was going to drop it off to work on after church. My cell phone rang.

"My parents aren't going to church and have offered to take the kids so we can go enjoy church together."

I'm telling you, those are the very best phone calls. An unexpected light in the darkness, on a day on which I was trying to muddle through my unpleasant emotions. I quickly said yes, dropped off our happy kids, and Steve and I were on our way to church, alone, for the first time in a very long time.

We got to sit next to each other for an entire church service without interruption. I got to worship with my husband, and fill my spiritual tank. As I sat there, I felt an unmistakable peace and calm wash over me. I had given my troubles over to God. He was taking care of me.

I left our church feeling so much lighter. There really is something to say about "letting go and letting God." I need to consciously remember to do this more often.

V Day Traditions

Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far away, in a townhouse on the MCLA campus in North Adams, an engaged couple did something for Valentine's Day that they never dreamed would still be a tradition nine years later.

They ate McDonald's and drank white zinfandel by candlelight.

Classy, right?

The part of that tradition that remains is the candlelit part. While we still eat at McDonald's on occasion, the meals we know how to cook are much more scrumptious. And as far as white zinfandel is concerned, well, let's just say that our tastes have matured a little since that evening.

Tonight we will enjoy our 9th annual candlelit dinner. We've enjoyed it at college, at our first apartment in Cummington, our next place in Huntington, and now for the fourth year at our current home. A few new faces have joined us at the table since that first dinner, and they love the candles. They seem awed by it, enough to make me consider doing it weekly!

Last year I made a special dessert in the crock pot that I am definitely making again tonight: Hot Fudge Cake! You can find the recipe here. For the record, I did not get vanilla ice cream to go with it. I consider most things vanilla to be a waste of calories (hooray- something sweet I don't like!). Instead I got Friendly's Vienna Mocha Chunk, that I may or may not have had a little of already.

Enjoy your valentine's day, whatever your traditions may be!

The Making of the Valentines

There are a lot of firsts that come with your child's first year of preschool. One of them is helping them make valentines for their classmates. When I realized this, my stomach clenched for just a second.

You see, I am not the craftiest of people. I did not enjoy art class in school. I've always felt clumsy with art supplies. As my stomach unclenched, I became determined that we were going to make our own valentines (there's nothing at all wrong with bought ones, I happily gave those out for years in grade school). I just needed to conquer my "art fear" once again, and come up with an idea.

As good ideas tend to happen, the pieces for the valentines seemed to fall into my hands at the right time. I had to buy the white paper doilies I saw in one store, and some dog and cat heart stickers that were hanging right next to them. When I found some foam red, white and pink hearts, I knew we were good to go.

Rosie and I sat down to make these, and she was very excited. She enjoyed gluing the paper doily hearts on top of the foam hearts. I admit, here, that my OCD tendencies tried to fight their way in, and I had to restrain myself from straightening the hearts (I know, bad, isn't it?) But the important thing is, I didn't. I let her glue the hearts the way she wanted to, and lo and behold, the slightly off-center hearts looked good. So much better than my OCD hearts would have looked.

She put stickers on each of the valentines, and we wrote the names. The last step was to tape small bags of valentine fruit snacks to the back of them. This was not a decision I made lightly. I had hemmed and hawed over what treat Rosie should give out. I don't even know if you're supposed to in preschool! See, I really don't know much about preschool etiquette at all. Maybe every one does the store bought cards and no one gives out treats. Maybe everyone makes the best Pinterest cards you've ever seen and there's the most sugary candy you can imagine attached to it.

I have no idea. I figured fruit snacks were a safe bet.

I'm excited for Rosie's very first valentine's day party. It also coincides with their pajama day, which I think is awfully cute. I have very fond memories of valentine's day parties at school, opening up every valentine, eating healthy snacks being on a fun sugar high. It'll be interesting to see how much things have changed since "my school days". I'm still willing to bet it'll be her favorite day of school yet.

Little Shoes, Little People

A lot of the time I get caught up in things and fail to take in the miracle of it all.

I'll be going about my day, and then I'll see something very simple, captured in the picture above: my husband's shoes that he wears for work wedged in between our kids' little shoes.

Little shoes= little people. We have two little people! They wear shoes!

Now before you become worried, do realize that I am fully aware that these beings did not just come into existence yesterday. It's just that, sometimes it really hits me- we have kids. Two of them. There was a time not so long ago when I wasn't sure I was going to have any, as I wrote about in this post.

Lately when it's my turn to put Rosie to bed for the night, she lies down then holds her arms out to grab me and hold me close. I let her hold me as long as she wants (usually just a minute or so), because I love these moments so. She tells me she wants to "keep me forever." I ask you, how am I not supposed to cry?

We have little people who wear little shoes, but their beautiful effect on my life has been one of the biggest things to ever happen to me.

That Used to be Me

My alarm went off at 1:30am, like it does every other night. I stumbled into the wood stove room, keeping my eyes half closed. I do this so that I don't wake fully; otherwise it makes it really hard to fall back asleep.

I load the wood stove (much like a baby, it needs to be tended to every night. The difference is I can go back to sleep immediately, not having to worry about waking up again any time soon). I notice a lone car drive by our house, its headlights glaringly bright in the otherwise still darkness.

I pause to wonder who it is and where they're going. Especially at this late of an hour.

As I head back to the bedroom, the clock in the dining room catches my eye and I am reminded that it's "only" 1:30am. It's really not that absurd that someone would be driving this time of night; heck-not that long ago I was still partying at this time of night (college) or still at the bowling alley with friends (high school).

That person in that car, heading home after a late night of fun- that used to be me.

Times have changed a little bit! Now I need an alarm to get me up at 1:30, and I've already been asleep a few hours by then. I smile at this as I wrap the still-warm covers around me and snuggle in for a few more hours of sleep.

Missing Moms

Mom friends on Facebook, where are you? I see picture after picture of your kids, your pets, your dinner. But rarely do I find a picture of you.

I can't even find you in your profile picture.

I get it; I'm guilty of it, too. Truth is, it's hard to be in the picture when we're the ones taking them. But how does that explain our unmarried, childless friends? They post selfies all the time. And I love it! I like seeing their beautiful, smiling faces.

Where did we go?

We got busy with kids, busy with life. Taking pictures of our kids as they changed before our eyes felt more important than taking a picture of ourselves in a great outfit. But, I ask you this- if we don't take any pictures of ourselves, what will our children have to remember us by?

I have precious few pictures of my mom and grandma. I remember them distinctly hating the camera because they didn't like the way they looked in pictures. Whenever I see a bad picture of me, I try to remember what Steve's grandmother tells me: "Don't worry. You'll like the picture 10 years from now."

Let's reverse this trend. Let's get ourselves back in the picture, moms. Let's try to take more selfies, with or without our kids, even if we wish we were 10 pounds lighter. We can't wait forever to take a "good picture". Let's really try this year.

I will if you will.

I Confess

I confess

...that I eat really unhealthily when I'm down and out with a cold. I don't know what it is, but only salt and chocolate appeal to me in those times. The kids and I mowed down a box of Dunkin Donuts munchkins the other day.

...that I'm about to go a little stir crazy because our plans for this past weekend were once again cancelled/ postponed due to sickness. We're talking 4 weekends in a row here. Yikes, 2014. Way to keep us on our toes.

...that I am a real wimp when it comes to the cold this year. But it has been really cold, right? I live in fleeces and layers, and not even my neck has seen the light of day in weeks. Sorry, husband.

...that because of the aforementioned cold, I take steaming hot showers and stand by the wood stove constantly even though I know it's horrible for my skin (dryness). I'm willing to pay the price!

...that texting with good friends of mine have been one of the reasons I've survived the last few week or so of sickness and not going anywhere. I can't fathom being a rural stay at home mom before the advent of the internet and texting. Between the two, I have lifelines and never feel alone.