Rich in Time

I have always said that one of the reasons I survive as a stay at home mom is because my husband is a teacher. This past week and a half has illustrated that perfectly.

When Steve's home, he does everything with the kids that I do- meal time, bath time, diaper changing time and everything in between. There's nothing I do that he doesn't (okay, I don't think he's ever trimmed their nails. But we'll let it slide).

Within the first few days of having him home this winter break, I felt the stress inside of me start to subside. It was so nice to have someone else drive Rosie to school for the first time this school year, change Buddy's diapers (when, oh, when will that boy want to start potty training?), and just, in general, be a constant helping hand.

It makes all the difference.

Our family of four with two dogs living off of a teacher's pay is not a rich family, monetarily-wise, but we are rich in time together. We go on one out of state vacation a year, (Hampton Beach for 3 nights), but we get to be around each other, at home, for a week in December, February, April and approximately 8 weeks in the summer. We drive the same cars we bought 10 years ago, but we are thankful they are still running (knock on wood) and they have handled our family fine so far.

While money is sometimes a stressor, we have been able to do okay. My two part-time jobs have helped a bit. I remember how scary it was to go from two full-time incomes to one when we realized that the cost of daycare would eat up my entire paycheck.

I am very thankful that we have been able to make this lifestyle work for us. Because I get more help from Steve throughout the year with the kids, I get to keep my sanity (mostly) intact, and the time we share together as a family will be something we always look back on fondly.

Friday Five: Truths

1. For chocolate lovers like myself, brownies are the Ultimate Chocolatey Dessert. Also, I should not have any in my house.

2. When temperatures get into the 40's, I start to think crazy thoughts like: "I don't even need a jacket", just because it feels so much warmer than temps in the 20's.

3. There is absolutely nothing more delicious than homemade comfort food this time of year. Steve made clam chowder on Tuesday, which we enjoyed with a big loaf of garlic bread. I could eat just carbs until at least March and be perfectly happy.

4. There are two camps of people: those who enjoy mint/peppermint flavor (coffee, ice cream, etc), and those who don't. There is no in between. I fall in the former category and try to remain respectful of those who fall in the latter.

5. There are no guarantees when it comes to how your children will respond to Santa. Rosie said "Hello", told him her name, and then took up residence behind my legs. Buddy, who was clinging to Steve, all of a sudden walked over, Santa picked him up, and they sat and talked a few minutes. In shock, I got out my phone and was able to snap a few pics.

(Are 3 of my 5 truths about food? I guess it really is that time of the year!)

One Week to Go

I think back in October I saw the first Christmas items being put up in Target and decided then and there that I was not going to let the consumer madness get to me this year.

I did not need to buy All The Things.

Christmas lights? Ornaments? Stockings? Got 'em already. Have had them for years.

I listened to Rosie ask for a very specific toy, and with some cajoling, heard from Buddy, too. There. That was settled. Those would be what Santa brought!

And then, as we've done the past few years, we thought of a joint toy that they would both enjoy (definitely one of the pluses to having our kids so close together!)

In fact, I've become so relaxed as far as gift buying is concerned, that I slightly worry that I've majorly dropped the ball somehow. But I've managed to remember the newspaper carrier and the mail lady, so I must be doing okay.

Let's hope.

I've really been trying to remember "the reason for the season" and enjoy magic wherever I can find it- the Christmas tree softly lighting the whole living room, the kids finding delight in a favorite of mine and Steve's- "The Muppet Christmas Carol", the guilt-inducing deliciousness of egg nog and spiced rum.

Literally before we know it, Christmas will be over and done with for another year. I'm really going to try to enjoy it and not get frenzied as I feel I tend to in December. One week to go- let's soak it in.

Every Day

I've always envied people who seem to effortlessly look put together. "How do they do it?", I would wonder, as I gazed down at my every day sneakers, jeans and  t shirt, most likely complete with some kind of stain or smear from grubby toddler hands.

I started to think about what it was that made these people (women, specifically) look like they had their stuff together. Appearance, appearance, appearance was the obvious answer. These women I admired always put some thought and effort into what they wore and how they presented themselves, whether it to be at the office or just the grocery store.

I wanted to be like them. I was 31- it was time to up the ante a little bit on my day to day look.

It's not to say that sneakers, jeans and t shirt aren't still an obvious choice for a lot of things I do with the kids- playing outside, running around. But trips out of the house? I'll put on my boots or flats. Perfume, that I used to only spritz on roughly once a month for Date Night? It's an every day thing now. Earrings, necklaces, other accessories that may go with the top I've picked out? Naturally!

In short: I no longer only wanted to look (and smell!) nice on occasion. I'm a woman, I feel good in my skin, and I want to give out that vibe.

Clothes and appearance are not everything, obviously. But I can't begin to tell you how much my self confidence has increased since I began presenting myself a little differently. I've learned to dress for the way I want to feel, even if it's just for a quick trip to the store.

In turn, I have found myself more inspired and motivated than ever before.

Let It Go

(I do apologize for a Halloween- related post in December. I forgot I had written this!)

In case you were unaware, preschool age children change their mind about what they want to be for Halloween approximately 850 times before trick or treat night arrives.

I thought we had Rosie's costume all set- she was going to dress up in the Witch costume that had been given to her for her birthday back in August. Silly me. I'm not sure why I thought we were actually sticking with that plan.

About 2 weeks before Halloween, she announces to me that she really wants to be Elsa from Frozen for Halloween. Like really, really wants to. And I thought about it, and thought some more.

Everyone and their sister is going to Elsa for Halloween. Do I really want her doing what everyone else is doing? Don't I want to encourage her to be creative, to be something that might be a little different?

But then I thought about my Halloween costumes growing up. The homemade ones. The ones I was embarrassed about. I thought about how I would have done just about anything to have a store bought costume like most of  my classmates wore.

It was at that moment I made the decision to indulge my daughter, and Let Go of my mom worries (Elsa would be so proud). I went to the store- no Elsa costumes in sight in the Halloween section. But, my mom intuition kicked in, and I thought to look in the Toy Department. There hung two Elsa dresses and several Anna ones (which I am thoroughly confused about- where's the love for Anna? Why is she sorely losing out?) and I took one of the Elsa dresses and laid it in the cart. Blue, sparkly and screaming Ice Queen. Rosie was going to love it.

I was right. She couldn't wait to wear it to school on Halloween. As we opened the door to her classroom, no fewer than 3 other Elsas were on the other side, anxious to see who was coming in. I will never forget the pleased expression on Rosie's face as she did a slow twirl, showing the other girls her Elsa costume, and then comparing notes with them on the amount of sparkles each dress had.

It gave her such joy to be like the other girls, and I was glad I didn't deny her of it. Individuality should be encouraged as much as possible, but there are times when a person just wants to fit in and go with the crowd. That's okay, too.

Back on Track

It's the Monday after Thanksgiving, and if you're anything like me, you're kind of nervous about stepping on the scale today. I've decided I'm not going to. I'm going to get a few days of clean eating under my belt again, so I can de-bloat a little bit! Two turkey dinners and all the leftovers over the course of four days? I definitely indulged. I knew I was going to. But now it's time to get back on track, which my body is more than willing to do! Since my lifestyle change that I started over two years ago, my body actually craves clean eating habits- lots of water, fruits, veggies and portion control. That's when I feel my best!

Last year I almost went stir crazy because it was a very long, cold winter and I was not getting enough exercise. I decided that just wasn't an option this year. I tentatively started looking into treadmills, and was pleasantly surprised to find this one for a mere $287 at Walmart. With Steve's blessing, I bought it, and it was here in no time. It's not fancy; it doesn't have many bells and whistles. But it does tell me how fast I'm going, how many calories I've burned and how many miles I've gone.

It's hands down one of the best purchases we've made in years.

No longer do I lament about not being able to do my quarry walks with the dogs. Instead, nap/quiet time rolls around for the kids, and I get on my t shirt, shorts and sneakers, and hit the treadmill. I started off at 3 mph, and once I got used to that, I bumped it to 4mph. It's a decent pace! (Could I run on it? Yes. But if you ever see me running, you better run, too, because it means something is chasing me. I'll take brisk walking instead, thank you very much).

This treadmill is parked right in our living room. You can't miss it. I spent more time than I should have, hemming and hawing about where it could go, where it wouldn't be an eyesore. Ha! Thankfully the common sense part of me won out as I quickly realized it needed to be in a place that was constantly in my view- somewhere I was actually going to use it!

It's worked. I've been able to hop on it just about every other day, and I work up a good sweat as I put in my 3-4 miles. Steve gets home and does the same. We're both getting a lot of use out of it, and we feel better knowing we have a tool to help us combat all the holiday overindulgence!

Bottom line: If you're thinking about getting a treadmill, just do it! Put it somewhere where you'll see it and use it. Like anything, if you're committed enough, you'll make the time and, in return, feel so much better about the Christmas cookies coming your way this month. You won't regret it. Make an investment in your health! I wish we had done it sooner.

Documenting

Professional family photos were not something I gave a lot of thought to when Steve and I started a family. My parents had never had them done when I was growing up, so it wasn't really on my radar. But then...

A woman, my age, just down the road, who I was starting to get to know a little and had kids about the same age as mine, asked if she could take some photos of our family because she was thinking about starting a small photography business, and wanted some practice. Of course, I said "Yes!".

In that very first photo session, she caught moments that otherwise wouldn't have gotten documented, especially as they were some of the first pictures of the four of us as a family (Buddy had not even turned 1 yet). I knew then that a family photo shoot was something we needed to make happen every year.

Fast forward to now, two years later. We just had our third photo shoot with Jess, and yet again, she amazed us with her abilities. It was a very, very cold morning but she made it fun, and you wouldn't even know from the pictures that the kids were complaining most of the time. I gaze in wonder at these photos, knowing that we will treasure them for years and years to come.

Can we take decent photos with our phones? Yes. But it'll never quite capture what a professional photographer can do with the right lighting, the right props and the right attitude.

This photographer, by the way? She and I are really good friends now, and she's the one I wrote about a few weeks ago who takes me as I am, even when I'm grumpy. She is the owner of her very own successful photography business, Pumpkin Head Photography. 

A lot can happen in two years! Dreams can become realities, and neighbors can become people you can't imagine your life without. To top it off, we have beautiful family photos that will be enjoyed for years to come. You can't put a price tag on any of those things.

Target Did It Again

It just got a little harder to get out of bed in the morning.

The reason? Last month I bought new flannel sheets from Target. They are the warmest, softest, most comfortable flannel sheets I have ever owned!

It's not that I'm trying to make it hard for you to get out of bed, too, but I was looking through the Target flier in this past weekend's newspaper, and saw that these wonderful sheets are on sale, yet again, for a mere $19.99. Any size.

And I thought, that maybe, if you're as interested in being warm and cozy as I am for a good price, you would like to know about it.

Sweet dreams!

Break-Your-Heart Conversations

We are t minus 10 months until Rosie starts Kindergarten, and our conversations often revolve around the fact that she misses her friends who are already in school, and how she can't wait to go, too, so she can see them more often.

Yesterday I brought up the fact that by the time Buddy turns 5 and is ready for Kindergarten, Rosie will know everything there is to know about school and will be able to help him.

"You'll get on the bus with him, and he won't be scared! You'll go to school with him and be able to show him where everything is!" I enthused.

"Yes! And, momma? When we get on the bus, we'll wave bye to you, and you'll wave back, so you won't be sad!" Rosie says.

Insert big lump in throat here.

"Ok, momma?" Rosie asks from the back seat.

I nod from the front seat, thankful she can't see the tears building up in my eyes.

"Momma, ok? Is that a good idea, so you won't be sad?"

Finally I choke out a "Yes" and I can't tell if she notices how strained it is.

"Then, we will go to school on the bus, and you can go back in the house. You can play by yourself, and eat by yourself," she says.

At this point, I am able to let out a small giggle. I love how kids' minds work.

Still, it is with a heavier heart that I unbuckle both of their car seats and we head into preschool. The clock is ticking whether I like it or not.

The Best Kind of Friend

The best kind of friend you can possibly have is the kind that takes you as you are, even when you're a little grumpy and not quite yourself.

Said friend will let you and your kids pile into her truck, and with one look at your weary face, know what your morning looked like even though she wasn't there. She will listen patiently as you talk about the tears that had already happened that day, and how you just feel "dull", for lack of a better term.

She gets it. She hates that feeling, too.

She has a lot to talk about and wonders if you mind because you're not feeling 100%. You tell her, "Please! Go ahead!" because that is exactly what you need today- you need: A. To be around another adult and B. To be around another adult who is excited about life. As she talks about this, that and everything, you find yourself joining in and feeling lighter by the minute.

The best kind of friend you can possibly have is the kind who can draw you out of your own negative thoughts and bring you into her light and positivity.

After a stop at Starbucks, you trek into the store with said friend and your four kids combined. You smile as you watch your son and daughter disagree over who gets to hold your friend's hand in the parking lot. You don't feel jealousy- just pure joy that your little ones love someone so much, that she's like a second mom to them.

It's at that moment that you realize how truly thankful you are for her, how blessed you are to have one of the best kinds of friendship that exist in this world.

The SAHM Life- The Not So Good

I'm really not feeling this mom thing today. Especially the stay at home mom thing.

It's raining for the umpteenth day in a row. I had forgotten how confined a space can feel when we don't have the outside (yard, parks, playgrounds) at our disposal.

I really want nothing more than to crawl up in the armchair with a good book and steaming cup of hot cocoa. Isn't that all anyone wants on a rainy, grey day? Have I ever done this on such a day? Why the heck didn't I do that before I had kids?

The grass is always greener.

I try to be cheerful even though the weather is getting me down. It's the day of Rosie's class field trip. The plan is to meet them at the farm. I look out the window, see the rain falling, and think how not conducive the weather is for hay rides and pumpkin picking.

Yet, I pack our things- snacks, water, extra diaper for Buddy- and get us dressed in our raincoats and boots.

As I drive to the farm we have never been to, one of the roads we come to is closed. DETOUR, the sign announces. I have to laugh. Of course, there is a winding detour today, of all days. Why am I even attempting to do this? Can someone remind me?

We make it to the farm, albeit 15 minutes late. Rosie's class greets us with excited shouts of welcome, and lo and behold, the ground is relatively dry and the sun is shining.

We have a good time. And I am reminded again of a quote that always seems to ring true on these days: "No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, show up and never give up." I was really glad I did. I would have felt that much worse if we hadn't gone!

Although my last blog entry was titled The SAHM Life- The Good, I couldn't bring myself to title this The SAHM Life: The Bad. Do we have bad days, the kids and I? You betcha. Some days I count the minutes until Steve gets home, until I get some relief in the form of an adult who can take responsibility and break up disputes alongside me.

But a "bad" day with the kids still beats what I used to consider a bad day at the office 5 years ago. Even on the worst of days as a stay at home mom, I know the reward in the end will pay off.

Some days I'm just not feeling the stay at home mom thing. That's okay. It doesn't mean I love my kids any less or don't think they're the best thing that ever happened to me besides Steve and chocolate (because I do).

It just means that I recognize that not every day can be a Really Good Day.

The SAHM Life- The Good

I feel like I've been doing this stay at home mom gig for approximately forever. In reality, it's been about 4 years and 2 months- almost as long as my post college job at the newspaper.

I love everything there is to love about being a stay at home mom today. The sun is shining brilliantly, and the kids and I have had one of those magical days together where there is minimal fighting, tempers and anguish on all our parts'.

We're the three amigos, just as happy as can be.

We just got in from our after lunch walk. What a lovely time it was! We went around the front, back and side yards looking at all our usual items of interest- minty smelling leaves from the random peppermint plants we have growing, the mums, our scarecrow "Princess". We then ran up the hill into the side yard, the crunch of autumn leaves beneath our feet. It wasn't long before we were chasing each other with fistfuls of those leaves, and the rays of sunlight through the bare branches of the maple tree shone brightly on our jackets and smiles.

It was a great moment. I reveled in it and bookmarked it in my mind because I know that before long I won't have both of my kids around me, playing, at 1:30pm on a weekday afternoon.

They will be in school, and my full-time stay at home mom days will be over.

Today, I'm not ready for that time to come. Today, I love what I do.

What My Best Friend Taught Me

I'm not sure where I'd be without my best friend.

We text daily and tell each other everything. We vent, we laugh. We question, we answer. We'd love to see each other in person more than we do but we both know how busy we are.

I was reminded just the other day of something very important that she taught me. Through example, my best friend taught me how to successfully empathize. Recognizing another person's feelings goes a long way.

How often do we listen to someone talk about something that's getting him or her down and we jump in with solutions and what could be done? I am guilty of this.

What I've found works a lot better (thanks, bestie!) is to actually first say the words that the other person needs to hear: "I'm really sorry you're going through this. I know how frustrated/ sad/ upset you must be."

I personally didn't even know I needed those words said to me, until she said them. It felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders- she was listening to me, she was hearing me...
and she seemed to feel my pain as if it were her own.

Wow.

Because I liked her approach so much, I've started using it with other people. It's gotten a good response! So easy to do, too. Now it's second nature to want to say these things to my friends.

I want them to know that I'm listening, that I care. I want them to know that I'm aware there may not be an easy fix to their solution, but that doesn't erase the fact that they are feeling helpless and stuck. Even if I can't help their problem, I can always listen. We all have that ability.

My best friend taught me how to better minister to friends and family, and for this I am grateful.

This Land is Your Land

I love when a new activity crops up that the kids and I want to do over and over repeatedly. Right now that activity is taking walks in the fields above our house. I don't know why we hadn't done this much sooner! Steve has been mowing a path to our back field for over a year now. I admit, I thought it was kind of silly at first. Not any more.

As soon as we finish lunch, we put on our boots and coats (if needed) and head out back. The chorus of crickets is mesmerizing. Bumblebees fly from one late summer wildflower to another, and the occasional grasshopper jumps across our path.

The hill is the hardest part for the kids. It seems soooo big to them, that I find myself saying: "We're almost at the top! You're doing a good job!" more often then not. As we reach the summit, the path meanders around a few bends, and then we find ourselves in the shade of a small part of the forest.

We step out of the forest into one of the fields that our ancestors tended to for so long. A few blueberry bushes from those days remain, but right now the field is full of goldenrod and ferns. The path is a straight shot through the middle, and the kids run down it in delight.

"This is yours", I whisper to Rosie and Buddy, even though they can't hear me. "This is your land, my land, dad's land. Before that, it was grampa's land, and his mom's land, and her dad's land, etc. May you always consider this your home, whether you're living here or on the other side of the earth."

I stop to breathe in the refreshing air, taking in all the notes of earth that fill my senses. I hear a plane flying overhead in the brilliant blue sky, and the kids' shrieks as they act out a pretend world complete with dragons and castles. I drop down in the grass beside them and let the sun warm my face.

This is life and it is good.

This Way

Running, giggling, talking a mile a minute sometimes, complete with hand gestures and an exaggerated pouty lip- Buddy is becoming more of a Big Kid every day. He can usually even keep up with them, but tires before they do. He's starting to think he doesn't need his two hour nap anymore, when in fact, he really could use it.

What I've been meaning to write about on here, so as to remember it always, is the way he likes to hug.

When he asks for a kiss and a hug at nap time, he scrunches up his lips in a pucker. I give him a kiss, then hug him, with my chin resting on his right shoulder. That's what most people would call a hug. Not Buddy.

He uses his hands to move my head to his other shoulder, saying "Now this way".

You know how the French kiss both cheeks? Buddy does not consider a hug complete unless I hug him twice, with my chin resting on each of his shoulders once.

It's so darn cute.

I love this boy to pieces.

In My 31st Year

I presented my project on my family's diaries and letters... and 50 people attended!

It really could not have gone any better. So many beautiful things clicked into place.

The night before, I found out that a Packard descendant from California was out here in Massachusetts, heard about my talk from a friend, and then changed his flight plans so he could attend! His great grandfather and my great, great grandfather are the same- Edward Packard- and that was who I focused my presentation on.

Not only was that a joy in itself- another Packard descendant was joining us- but he also was completely interested in the family history. That's not always a given! Because of his attendance, I was able to say that out of Edward Packard's 8 children, 5 of them had gone on to have children and grandchildren. Out of those 5, 4 were represented in the audience that night! I couldn't have been happier.

The other surprise was this: in the 1900 diary, it mentioned the whole family going up to the center of town to listen to a graphaphone. The President of our Historical Society mentioned to me that he might know who the graphaphone had belonged to. I mentioned it to that family- not only did they confirm that fact, they brought the actual graphaphone to my presentation!

I was blown away.

While I felt a huge relief at having completed this project, part of me wondered: Well, what now?

I knew the answer all along though. It's time to get back to tackling smaller projects, and return to things like this- blogging- that I enjoy so much! My Packard Papers project was a labor of love, and while I enjoyed it immensely, I look forward to a little more normalcy around here and a little less of me holing up in the spare bedroom trying to put a presentation together.

I have a lot I want to write about on here.

Acceptance

I've come to accept a few things in the past week or so:

1. My house will look like a disaster area, no matter how many times it's picked up and cleaned, for the foreseeable future. We have little munchkins with big imaginations. I'd rather a cluttered, happy house than a pristine, unhappy one.

2. Speaking of little munchkins, they are most definitely the best of friends and the worst of enemies. Some days they play together splendidly, other days I'm ready to get the wine out before 5pm.

3. I actually like a few hot days sprinkled throughout the summer. You know, the kind that barely appeared this year? They're kind of fun in their own way (and maybe a nice excuse to lay low instead of taking on the world every single nice weather day).

4. This is the last year of me being a full stay at home mom. Next September, Rosie will enter Kindergarten, and Buddy will begin Preschool part-time. When did this come on the radar?

5. This blog will be pretty quiet until I wrap up my presentation for the Historical Society, which is on Friday, September 19th at 7pm in the Goshen Town Hall! Anyone and everyone is welcome to attend! I'm using most all of my (little) free time to work on this program about life in Goshen circa 1895, based off the diaries and letters my ancestors left behind. Wish me luck!

Let's Be Real

"Enjoy this time," they said. "You'll never have free time like this again," they said.

I am firmly convinced that anyone who says this to an overdue pregnant woman in the midst of a very hot summer was either never in those shoes herself or has forgotten what those days were like.

Rosie's due date was August 15, 2010. At first I was just going to work as long as I could, until I had her, but after some consideration, decided that an end date was more ideal. I would leave knowing it was my last day, with all the proper goodbyes in place.

My last day was Friday, August 13th. I was certain I was going to have that baby that weekend. When you're pregnant, you can't help but have the due date play continuously in your head. I had literally not thought of a single day after the 15th.

The 15th came and went. Steve's first day of school was fast approaching and there were no labor signs in sight. How I longed to talk to my mom and ask if I or my sister had been overdue, too. How I longed for the company of my grandmothers, who could reassure me that I really was going to have a baby soon.

Instead it was just Steve and I, doing a lot of walking and all the kinds of things that are supposed to start labor. We'd sit out in our screen tent at the end of the day, him with a glass of wine, me with some boring non-adult beverage, and watch the world go by. We had everything all set for baby- there was nothing else left to do!

The doctor started talking about induction. I could pretty much pick any day in that 2nd week overdue in which to get things started. I chose the furthest in the week I could- Thursday night the 26th- with fingers crossed that labor would start before then on its own.

It didn't. I was induced, and was first given Cervadil. It threw me into immediate back labor. I went from zero to eight on the pain scale. I won't go into too much detail of my labor, but having experienced an induction and a labor that started all on its own, I can tell you that the latter is much, much more favorable.

Rosemarie Donna entered this world on Friday, August 27th, 2010 at 4:09pm. It is true that the moment your baby arrives, your world changes- in every single way for the better. Life is richer and more fulfilling than you ever thought possible.

But in those extra-long overdue days? Pregnant women are tired. Cranky. Haven't slept decently in months. Instead of doing them a disservice by telling them not to complain, that they're going to miss "all this free time" once baby comes, let's do them a favor.

Let's empathize and tell them the waiting sucks. It really does. Let's tell them that we know how painfully tedious those days are- how we understand that they just need to be done being pregnant and they just want to finally see what they've created.

Let's not idolize "life before baby", because like anything else, until you know differently, you can only appreciate your current situation to a point.

Let's be real. And then bring them a bottle of wine (or two) once baby arrives. It's a recipe for a genuine friendship.

Cozy

There's just something about a dark, rainy day when you haven't had one in a while. The boys were in Worthington at my in-laws, and it was just Rosie and I after I picked her up from preschool.

"It's a rainy day. Know what that means?" I asked her.

"POPCORN!!" she gleefully shouted. Yeah, I may have trained her on this a little over her four years. We changed into comfy clothes, popped the popcorn, and snuggled onto the couch with blankets. She picked the movie- a LeapFrog movie- and since I wanted to enjoy the moment, but most kid shows numb my brain, I also started perusing that day's paper.

It was truly relaxing.

When her movie ended, we brought over a pile of books and started reading through them, still snuggled up in our nest of blankets. We may have even had a chocolate chip cookie or two.

While some days that we're stuck inside drive me crazy, this cozy afternoon reminded me how sweet these times can be.

This Summer. Right Now.

Flox, my favorite summer flower, are beginning to bloom. Queen Anne's Lace has been in its splendor for a few weeks now and the blackberries are ripening. It's hard to deny it- we're past the middle of summer and this cool weather is reminding me of fall every day.

I'm in disbelief that we haven't broken out the air conditioners for the kids' upstairs rooms this summer, and that we have barely needed window fans, even. I thought for sure after the extreme cold last winter, that we would experience extreme summer temps as well.

Not so much. It's like Mother Nature left the thermostat on 75 instead of 90.

It's been pretty darn beautiful, in truth. Only one or two days out of the whole summer so far that were I-don't-even-want-to-move-'cause-it's-so-hot. Even though the temps haven't been high, there's still an undeniable laidback-ness that's permeated the season:

Snacks instead of a full lunch by the kiddie pool. Relaxing in front of a movie in the evening after a day outside in the sun. All of us laying out on our beach towels at the local state park. Bedtime stretching later and later because it's summer, and it's only summer for a very short while...

It's tempting to ask: where did summer go? But instead I'll just try to savor each day of it that we have left. Even the rainy days like today.

Handing it Over

I used to be a chronic worrier.

I would get so nervous before doctor and dentist appointments, before get-togethers and parties.

I would also worry about what "could" happen to Steve, to the kids, to other family members, to the house, to our cars, etc.

This summer I have really made a valiant effort to not worry quite so much. I have decided that part of my Faith has to be trusting in God completely: my worrying accomplishes nothing and does not show that I trust Him.

Ever since I put my Faith directly in God, I have felt a weight off of my shoulders. There was one time last month that I couldn't reach Steve, and the kids were with him. My mind started going down the Very Scary List of what might have happened to them and why I couldn't reach them (in those moments my brain seems unable to register the obvious- that he probably just didn't hear the phone or have reception). I then realized what I was doing, and how ridiculous it was. As corny as it may sound, at that moment, I actually envisioned myself handing my worries to God and saying aloud: "I trust you, God. They are in your hands".

I went from an 8 to a 0 on the freak-out scale. I realized how useless my worrying was, and how it couldn't change anything that had happened or was going to happen. I then proceeded to go about my morning. When the phone finally did ring, I was able to answer without sounding too much like a crazed person.

While I have made huge progress with this, I know it's going to take vigilance on my part to not lapse back into my worrywart ways. It's going to take time and effort, as does anything that's worthwhile.

Girl Day

It was one of those afternoons when just one crucial item was needed from the one store in town. I had a daughter eager to accompany me, and a husband and son ready to start grilling dinner.

I've never seen Rosie get her shoes on faster. Before I knew it, we were out the door, and she grabbed my hand excitedly: "Just me and you, mom? It's a Girl Day!". Who would not be pleased with such a proclamation?

We found what we needed at the store, and I pulled a 15 cent York peppermint patty out of its box and onto the counter. As I buckled Rosie into her car seat, I told her: "My dad used to get me a little treat once in a while when we went to the store, and now I'm giving a treat to you. What will you do someday when you have a little girl or boy?".

"I will get a treat for her. And me," she added quickly.

With a smile, I got in the car and we drove the short distance home. The peppermint patty had long disappeared and the boys were none the wiser.

I love sharing these sweet secrets with my little girl on "Girl Day".

Five Things Our Kids Say

As Rosie nears four, the things she says often leaves us in stitches- either because they're brutally honest or because she sometimes makes up her own words. Buddy is also cracking us up on a daily basis. Here are a few examples:

1. As we were walking the beach last month, I was pointing out the lifeguard stations and asking Rosie what number she thought was posted on the back of each one. After proudly proclaiming "Number Eight!", she said, "OK, come on, mom. Let's go see the next nightgown station." Of course this made me laugh, and I tried telling her it was "lifeguard" not "nightgown" but she wasn't having it!

2. We were excitedly talking about our first time going to the movie theater, all together. As Rosie talked about it, she called it the "movie 'cavator", like the word excavator, with the first syllable chopped off. Once again I could not convince her that it was actually "theater". It's funny what her little ears hear!

3. We were sharing a fried dough before the fireworks lit up the sky. Buddy got up, circled Rosie and Steve, and came over to me, where he offered me his very last bite. I was so touched. He said "Sharing, mama" with a big smile. As soon as I ate the piece, he started rubbing my head vigorously and saying "Do you like it? Do you like it, mama?". Oh my goodness. The four of us could not stop laughing. It's been an inside joke since!

4. As Buddy and I stood on the beach together, he pointed to the waves and said: "More water coming." It struck me as hilarious. Talk about the understatement of the year. Love that boy!

5. I'm now realizing a lot of funny things happened on vacation. We had just done some grocery shopping to tide us over for a few days, and it started to pour. Unlike with our Ford Focuses, I was able to squeeze into the backseat of my mother in law's car and actually close the door so I could buckle the kids into their car seats. I then contemplated, out loud, if I could get in the front seat from the back, without having to get out in the rain. This was the point that Rosie exclaimed: "But, mom! your butt is too big!" Ha-ha. I can see why a fellow blogger labeled this age as "No Filter Four".

2.5

My Dear Buddy,

This month you turned two and a half years old. Wow.

See, your sister is 3 (only for one more month, but the fact remains), so the thought of you getting closer to that age with every day makes me scratch my head. Time is going faster than I would like. But you know what's one thing that's been making things a little bit easier?

Ever since Rosie started preschool in January, you and I have gotten a lot more time together, just the two of us. And now we have our own little routines and traditions, don't we?

When you were first born, I bemoaned the fact that you would never get me to yourself. You also had a 16 month old sister who needed lots and lots of care and love. I worried that I wouldn't be able to concentrate on you enough.

It all worked out. You both got the love, attention and care that you needed and deserved. I learned that a mother's love, and her abilities, only increase the more children she has. From the day you were born, it was always the 3 of us, Monday- Friday while Dad worked. When Rosie started preschool, we almost didn't know what to do with ourselves.

Almost.

Then we discovered that we had a little more flexibility, it just being the two of us. We zipped in and out of stores when needed, and some days we went to the local pet store just to gaze at the fish and the birds because you enjoyed it. We went to Look Park and you got to decide what we did and where we went.

As the littlest in the family, these decisions were not usually made by you, and up until the past half year, you couldn't vocalize what you wanted. I could see the thrill in your eyes as I started to say "Yes" a lot more on our mornings together.

One of our little traditions we started, inspired by our good friend and her little boy, is that we began trying out pastries from different bakeries about once a week. We usually choose a muffin and split it. It's a small luxury that we both enjoy.

I'm loving this time with you, Buddy. I enjoy our little inside jokes and the way you get excited about the things we do together. You're quite the little guy.

Love you forever,
Mama

Our Turn

After a week of wondering when the first call would be, Steve's radio went off.

Goshen firefighters were to respond to a box alarm, in town. Off he went, not knowing what to expect. He's still not home, 3.5 hours later, and I am looking forward to hearing all about his experience.

I'm now the wife of a firefighter!

It was sometime last Fall- I was reading the paper, and in particular, the umpteenth article about how volunteer firefighters were needed. Numbers have dwindled, and like every other committee or group in small towns, it's been hard to find enough people that will help and commit their time. It was then that I read a quote that I don't believe I will ever forget from a local fire chief:

"It used to be that people moved into a community and said, 'What can do I do for the town?' Now it seems that people move into a community and say, 'What can the town do for me?'"

Unfortunately, I can't tell you which individual said this, or what issue of the Gazette it was.

What I can tell you is that quote resonated with me. Steve had mentioned joining the fire department, but my first thought was that it seemed a little crazy with how busy our lives already were.

This quote made me remember: everyone's lives are busy. It's not an excuse to not give back to the town you live in. Paper in hand, I entered the room Steve was in and told him he really should do the fire department if it interested him. He had my full support.

I know how many times he encouraged me to do things- school committee, the COA position, Historical Society, Assistant Town Clerk: all dealing with the town. Having your spouse's unwavering support means the world. It was great to be able to hand that support to him, for a change, in a new venture he wanted to pursue.

So here we are. We don't really have an idea of how much this will change our lives yet, but we're willing to give it a go. Many people in both of our families have served their towns. It's our turn now.

I Get It

I should compile a short list of the things I "didn't get" when I was in my 20's: Interior decorating. People who enjoyed yard work. Coupon cutting.

Also on that list? People who liked to putter around in their garden.

Now, in our first year of turning out a successful garden: I get it.

I get why people are so excited about ordering seeds and buying vegetable plants at the local stand. I get why people find joy in seeing green unfurl from the dark, rich soil. I get why people find a reason to poke around their garden at least once a day, and most of all: I totally get the satisfaction of going out to your back yard, picking a few vegetables and cooking them up for dinner.

It's kind of awesome.

Year after year, I bought zucchini, squash, green beans, beets and tomatoes from the grocery store and local farm stands. Not this year. Now they're (miraculously) growing in our very own raised beds. In fact, I have so many more things I want to grow next year, that we are pondering doing a regular garden again so we'll have more room.

Yet another added benefit to growing our own vegetables? Watching our kids enjoy them. I had pulled some carrots out, rinsed them, and set them down on one of our lawn chairs. I had my back turned for a second, and when I came back, what did I see?

My picky eater, Rosie, chowing down on the carrots like there was no tomorrow. There was two carrot greens at her feet, and the remainder of the third carrot disappeared in a loud crunch. Buddy did the same thing with green beans the next day. It has been nothing short of amazing to me.

I had forgotten the liberty kids feel when they can access food (garden veggies, berries off bushes) by themselves, whenever they want.

The whole garden experience: I get it now.

A Letter to My Former 200+ lb Self

When I was over 200 lbs, my notion of a healthy lifestyle was salads and extreme exercise.

Thus, I didn't do it. I hated both of those things, unless the first was covered in blue cheese dressing.

This is what I wish I could tell that girl:

Dear me,

Healthy eating does not have to boring, or tasteless, or difficult. There are SO many things available that are good for you AND taste good. You have to identify which healthy foods you enjoy, and go with it. Here are some of what your favorites will be in 5 years when you weigh 60 lbs less:

1. Vanilla yogurt with fresh berries and a few chocolate chips

2. Carrots or cucumbers dipped in roasted red pepper hummus

3. Roasted veggies!! All these years you thought you didn't like veggies. In reality, you just hadn't ever had them prepared in a way that was appealing! A little bit of olive oil, a pinch of salt and some roasting turns most any vegetable into little gems of deliciousness that you could eat all day long.

3. Fish. Salmon, cod, haddock, you name it.

You can lose the weight, you are not destined to be large forever. Pretty soon you'll have two little ones to chase after and it will break their hearts and yours if you can't keep up. If you don't even try to keep up.

Do it for them, but most of all, do it for you. You don't need to become a crazy exerciser but you do need to keep your body moving. Walk whenever possible, even standing instead of sitting makes a difference.

Water is your best friend. The more you drink of it, the better you feel. It helps the body constantly flush itself out. All those headaches you experienced as a teenager and in your 20's? Most definitely caused by not being hydrated enough. Start off by downing a bottle of room temp water after you have your breakfast in the morning. You won't believe the difference you feel.

You can do this, and you're going to do it through a realistic plan that doesn't cut anything completely out. You're not going to deprive yourself because, as you know, that always backfires. You can still eat chocolate every day, but in a much smaller amount. You can still eat bread, and pasta, and all those good things you love dearly, but you're going to watch your portions and be aware of how many calories you're consuming and what exactly is in the food you're eating.

Before you know it, these new ways of thinking (like eating every 3 hours instead of saving up for 3 big meals) will be habit and the weight will start to come off. You will reach a point when the scale doesn't seem to want to go any lower, and that's okay. That means you've reached your happy weight. It's the weight your body feels most comfortable at with the new, healthy habits you've established.

You've got this. Your future, 150 lb self is sure of it.

Love,
Me

At Last

At last, we had a trip that didn't leave me thinking: "I need a vacation from that vacation!"

Traveling with little ones can be difficult. You're away from the comforts of home, and in a smaller space (hotel room). You're most likely off schedule and at least slightly overtired.

You'll most likely need a drink. Or two.

The first time we attempted this trip, the kids were 6 months and 22 months, respectively. I honestly don't know how we fit everything into the car that time- two pack n plays, bottles, etc. - but we did. That trip exhausted me. I remember I even packed my book for our first day on the beach. It's hilarious to me now! I don't know why I thought I'd have the time or the hands free to turn the pages of a paperback.

I remember being glad to be on our first beach trip as a family, but also wistful at the thought of what we used to do on the beach all day before kids- read, nap, repeat. 

The following year was a bit better. We had a bigger room, the kids were a little older and more flexible. However, it was smack dab in the middle of a heat wave. You wouldn't think this would matter on a beach trip, but we were all sweating by 9am, and the sand was the hottest I'd ever felt it which left the kids crying and whining (not that we could blame them. I pretty much felt like crying and whining by then, too). It was a better trip, but I still left it feeling more tired than when I started it.

Fast forward to last week. Hampton Beach Trip #3. Knowing exactly what room we'd have, we were able to plan better. Rosie actually remembered the trip from last year, and seemed to really soak it in and enjoy it. Buddy loved the waves and getting dirty and messy in the sand. Steve and I had more than one moment when we looked at each other in awe- was it possible, after 3 years, that we were all finally really enjoying ourselves?

It seemed too good to be true.

I relaxed on this trip. I caught myself dancing to the Beatles tribute band they had one night. I found myself laughing a lot with my husband, which is one of my very favorite things to do in this world. I lightened up, lowered my expectations, and had a marvelous time. I even came home feeling refreshed!

I'm already looking forward to our next family trip. You wouldn't have caught me saying that before so easily.

What I Want to Remember

What I want to remember right now

- is the way Buddy took my hand yesterday and clear as day said: "Come play, mama".
  8 months ago I was worried he had a speech delay. Now he talks up a storm.

- is that there is no such thing as wearing a dress in Rosie's world. Each and every dress is called a "spinning dress", thank you very much, and the purpose of said dress is in the preceding word- one must spin and twirl and spin again.

- is the feeling of freedom and flexibility that comes with Steve being out of school for the year.

- is the kids' sense of equality. If I hand one of them something, he or she insists that their sibling get one as well, even if they aren't in the same vicinity at the time. Without fail, their sibling loyalty prevails.

- is the way life seems ever-busy from the first minute of the day to the last minute of the evening, more so than I can ever remember, but that it also feels full. And good. And happy.

Are You Listening?

My best friend is really great about hooking me up with Christian books that make me pause.

One of them changed my life, and steered me to a course of reconciliation with someone I care very much about. That book is What's So Amazing About Grace? by Philip Yancey.

Another such wonderful book that she put into my hands recently is Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World by Joanna Weaver. In that book is a quote that struck a deep chord with me. It reads as follows:

How Does God Talk to You?

While we know God speaks clearly to us through the Bible, many of us are uncertain how to hear God's voice in our spirit. "How does God speak to you?" someone asked author and speaker Carole Mayhall. I have found her answer immensely practical and helpful:

For me, He speaks by a distinct impression in my heart. He's never spoken to me aloud, but sometimes the thought that He puts in my soul is so vivid that He might as well have! Many times it is just a thought or an idea that flashes into my mind and I know it is from Him...

Sometimes a thought pops into my mind- a thought so different from what I was thinking, or so creative I never would have thought of it, or opposite to what I wanted God to say to me. When that happens-- and it lines up with God's word-- I know I've heard his voice in a distinct way... .

I pray frequently that I'll hear His voice more often and more clearly. When I don't, I know He hasn't stopped speaking; rather, I have stopped listening. (as cited in Weaver, 2000).

**********************************************************************************

I definitely had an "aha" moment when I read this passage. I knew exactly what Carole Mayhall was referring to! So many times in my life a thought has entered my head and I thought, "Now where did that come from?" Now it just seems obvious that thought came from God...God does speak to me... every day!

Consider my mind blown. Now all I need to do is listen, which I equate with what people call "trusting their gut". I used to think I had to be more religious, more something, to hear the voice of God. What a relief to find He talks to all of us, every single day.

Now that I know this, I don't want to stop listening. Ever.

Five Happy Things

Five things that made me happy this week:

1. Fireflies- They're lighting up our backyard like they haven't in years. I could watch them forever.

2. Thunderstorms- I now actually love the ominous, dark clouds that roll in from the west.

3. Look Park with my Little Guy- We've been hosting a few get-togethers at our house lately, which usually translates to Buddy and I running errands for such gatherings beforehand. This week, though? We had a Wednesday morning with no big plans. We dropped Rosie off at preschool and spent the entire morning at Look Park. I let him decide what to do, and how long we spent doing it. He decided we should do everything! Stroller ride, feeding the fish, the train, zoo, playground, splash park. As the youngest, he rarely gets to make so many executive decisions. He reveled in making the choices, and I delighted in letting him! It was one of the best mornings we have ever had together- very special and memorable!

4. Martinis & Manicures- Monday night, a group of us ladies went to a local restaurant to partake in a $20 martini and manicure night sponsored by the local spa. It was so much fun! It included a 15 minute chair massage, which is the first professional massage I had ever had...and, oh my goodness... it has convinced me that Steve and I should finally splurge on that couples' massage for our anniversary that we've always talked about but never done!

5. It's Steve's Last Day- After a grueling school year, today, at last, is Steve's last day. The kids and I get to have him around for the next two months! I'm excited for our beach vacation and the day trips we have planned. I cherish this family time we get to have.


What made you happy this week?

Bad Patterns

It's funny how all of a sudden I find myself in patterns that I don't particularly like.

Going to bed later than I should.
Waiting 'til the last minute to do...everything.
Eating more than I need.

So now that I've noticed the bad patterns, I need to get out of them. These may be "small" bad patterns, but they're not helpful and they have an affect on my day to day life.

Less sleep= irritable.
Procrastinating= stressed.
Overeating= irritable & stressed.

Every morning is a chance to do things right again, and today I vow to get back on track. The more I tell myself I can, the better chance that I will.

What are some bad patterns that you fall into when you're stressed, and how do you get out of them?

Heaven Talking

One of the highlights of my day is hearing what Rosie talks about while she's at school.

When I came to pick her up Friday, her teacher told me: "Today, Rosie was talking to people from Heaven."

I asked her to repeat what she said.

She did, then went on to explain. "We brought the kids to the park and they were running around. Rosie comes up to me and says: 'I just talked to my Great Grampa up in Heaven. He said if I pump my arms like this, I'll go faster' and off she went."

I looked, dumbfounded, at Rosie's teacher.

"It's a year to the day that he passed", I said as both my eyes and her eyes welled up at the realization.

Neither I or anyone else had mentioned anything to Rosie about it being a year since Great Grampa passed. Never before had she mentioned Great Grampa up in Heaven talking to her.

Coincidence? Some would think so.

But I Believe.

Five Observations

Five observations I made this week:

1. Without fail, I feel like I'm walking on clouds when I wear new sneakers. It makes me realize how little support my old ones were giving me. No wonder my hip was bothering me more. The husband was right...

2. Since we started watching "The Price is Right" now and then, I've noticed that Rosie's imaginary price amounts have increased dramatically. The "pet fish" she was trying to "sell" me cost "ten hundred dollars". Before, it was more like "three dollars".

3. June is the best month to be a stay at home mom. We have some summer-like weather, but school's not out yet so some places (ahem, DAR beach) are still deserted except for a few other parent & child groups like ourselves. It's quite wonderful. And quiet.

4. One of my favorite quick, easy dinners is still Pastrami Sandwiches. So simple, so good. My mom made them and now I do as well. Toast up some English muffins, fry thinly sliced pastrami in the frying pan, add a piece of cheese towards the end, just enough so it melts. A little mayo on the English muffins, slap the pastrami and cheese on. Enjoy. Roast a veggie to go with it and you're golden.

5. One of the prettiest times of day at our house is about an hour before the sun goes down. Our yard, which is in the sun all day, begins to change over to shade, but there's still enough amber sunlight to make things look downright magical.

What's an observation you made this week?

What I Want To Tell New Moms

My very, very good friend from college is in labor as I type this blog entry.

I'm just holding my breath a few hundred miles away, praying and wishing for a healthy baby and an easy delivery.

I'm just thinking of the things I want to tell her, and all new moms. The things I wish I had known:

 1.Sleep when the baby sleeps. When the baby sleeps, do whatever relaxes you most. While you will most likely be sleep deprived in those first few weeks, it doesn't mean that every time the baby is asleep, you'll want to be, too. For me, decluttering the house or hopping online was more relaxing than catching a few z's. When the baby's asleep, you finally have a few minutes all to yourself. Do something that makes you happy.

2. "Breast is best". It simply depends on the person. If you want to try breastfeeding, great. If you don't want to, that's great, too. There is nothing wrong with formula feeding. Breastfeeding is on the rise and very much encouraged, but it should not be at the expense of making mothers feel ashamed to use formula. That is not right. Breastfeeding can be a beautiful, natural experience, but it can also be painful and frustrating. I am glad I was able to nurse both my kids, for varying amounts of time (6 months with my first, 6 days with my second). Both of them also had formula. Formula is not the end of the world, like some would make you believe. It's a suitable nutrient for babies. Do what works for you, your body and your baby, and do not feel ashamed about your decision.

3. Life will never be the same. While the sentence I just crossed out has some truth to it, I find this sentiment more helpful: Life will not always feels as crazy as it does in the first weeks of having a baby, but it will always have an edge of craziness to it. I often describe the first month of Rosie's existence as the month I felt like a stranger in my own home. We were sleep deprived, she was colicky: it was tough going for a while. The sleepless nights ended just about the time I thought they never would. She got older, I became a more experienced mom, and things got better. A new normal formed. That being said, to this day, just as things start feeling comfortable, a new developmental stage emerges, thus the "edge of craziness" factor. What your kid adored yesterday, he may hate today. What he wasn't afraid of today, he might be tomorrow. Kids leave you no choice but to be flexible.

Good luck, my friend. I'm here for you. It's going to be tough for a little while, but I promise the very best days of your life are ahead- the days where your heart will be so full you think it will burst.

Love you.

Sometimes, Marriage...

Sometimes, marriage sounds a lot like this:

Steve: "So...do you remember a conversation we had in the middle of the night last night?"

A faint memory tugs, but it doesn't appear. "No" I reply, knowing this is going to be a good one.

Steve: "Well, I was in the other room...I couldn't sleep...and all of a sudden I hear you saying 'No! Stop! That's bad!'"

The memory tugs a little harder, but still nothing.

Steve: "Naturally I went into our room to see what you were yelling about, and when I asked you if you were okay, you responded: 'Yeah. It's just that someone was trying to throw baby octopuses at me'. Then you rolled over and went back to sleep".

As soon as he said "baby octopuses" I started laughing, hard. I do remember having a dream along those lines, and vaguely remember Steve asking me if I was okay, and thinking that my explanation was totally reasonable.

I'm so thankful God has a sense of humor. Can you imagine a world without it?

Five Little Things

My mood depends more on the weather than I'd care to admit, and this week has been a doozy. Here are five little things that made my week better:

1. Buddy and I were at a local store, picking out a book for the baby we were going to visit, when I spied a small basket...holding toys that were discounted to 25 cents each! The first thing I noticed was a little train car in the shape of an S. I thought for sure it was put in the basket by mistake, since the other toys were not as good, but sure enough, on the back of the tag, $2.99 had been crossed out, and 25 cents was written below. One more second of going through the basket produced an R train car. Those were the only two train cars in that basket, and they just happened to be the first initials of my kids. Of course I got them, and the kids have been happily playing with them ever since!

2. My friend and I went out to dinner in Northampton, and we ended the evening by eating sundaes from Herrell's outside. Need I say more? Dinner + dessert + good friend + nice enough to eat outdoors= A great time!

3. Redbox had a promo code for Rent 1, Get 1 Free. Just the thing we needed to get through yet another rainy day! We got "The Nut Job", which completely held Rosie's attention the whole time and had her laughing, and I got "Her" (the Joaquin Phoenix movie about the man who falls in love with the AI operating system on his computer). It was captivating! I enjoyed it very much. I didn't realize from the previews that it was a movie set in the future. It really made me wonder where we're heading with our addiction to our phones/email/being connected.

4. We're splurging on steak tonight for the first time since sometime last year. I've been scouring the fliers for a good deal, and this week Big Y finally has a good sale on Porterhouse. To go along with the steak, I'll be making our favorite Gorgonzola Sauce. We'll have baked potatoes and roasted broccoli with it. I'm pretty psyched.

5. Buddy was getting sleepy towards the end of "The Nut Job" yesterday, so he did his little thing where he started sucking his thumb, and cuddling against my chest. My baby has very few babyish things left about him, and I find myself savoring those moments more than ever. I love my little cuddler.

What little thing made your week?

Weep

Last month we planted flowers at the graves of our loved ones, as we do every Memorial Day. I explained to Rosie and Buddy that we were doing it to show our family members in Heaven that we love them, miss them and remember them.

There are a few figurines at my grandma's headstone- one of them, a cocker spaniel, because she and Pop Pop had one named Misty. Rosie asked if she could hold it, I said yes, and in moments she had picked it up gently and was creating an imaginary world with it.

It's something my Grandma would have loved to see.

I reorganized the flowers I had left remaining to plant in the Goshen cemetery, and stood up. It was time to head out. Rosie carefully put the cocker spaniel back, and Steve started getting her and Buddy buckled into the car.

I looked back at Gram's headstone, now freshly adorned with a variety of annuals. I felt my throat tighten. She passed in 2004. It had been 10 years, a third of my life. How had that much time passed?

Just then, a whisper, in my head: "Do not stand at my grave and weep...".

It was a line from Gram's favorite poem that she had read at funerals of her family members:

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.         By Mary Elizabeth Frye

It was at that moment that I looked at the beautiful blue sky with its puffy white clouds, smelled the sweet scent of spring flowers and heard my children's laughter.

It was true: she was with God. And God is all around us.

She did not die.
                

The Sweetest Thing

Something Rosie said to me a few weeks ago has been resonating in my head ever since.

I slipped on my boots and I told her I was going to just hang a few things up on the clothesline while she and Buddy stayed inside. (The grass was wet with dew and I knew it would take me longer to get them ready to go out than it would to actually complete the task at hand).

She just looked at me, and in her matter-of-fact, let-me-explain voice, said:

"Mom, where you go is where we want to go."

Buddy, hovering nearby, shook his head up and down in agreement.

I smiled and pulled them both in for a bear hug. "Okay," I said, and we got on their boots and coats.

Little did they know, 12 years ago, their father sang a song to me softly, and it became "our song". Little did they know, some of the lines go like this:

"... I am no hero, oh that’s for sure
But I do know one thing
Where you are, is where I belong
I do know, where you go, is where I want to be..." ~ Dave Matthews Band, "Where Are You Going?"

To hear Rosie paraphrase "our song"?

It was the sweetest thing.

Truths

1. I will never get sick of my kids handing me wildflower after wildflower. They do it every time we're outside. "Mama, you love flowers! Here you go. I picked you one." Dandelions, buttercups, violets. I love them all.

2. Grandparents (and great grandparents) are the sweetest people to exist. When we visited my Pop Pop this week, he says: "Hey, you better not lose much more weight there, you'll blow away!" Haha. Thanks, Pop Pop. I assured him I hadn't lost any more weight since last year at this time. It made me smile because Steve's Gramp Pease was telling me the same thing a year ago. You gotta love a grandparent's concern!

3. Hummingbird feeders, and bird feeders in general are the cheapest entertainment available. We love, love, love feeding the birds at this house. When the bears woke up, we put the bird feeder away and put out the hummingbird feeders. Our tiny feathered friends started arriving immediately! We enjoy it so much we have two feeders- one in the front yard, and one we can watch out our back window when we're in the kitchen. It's so much fun to see the hummingbirds dive in for a drink! It's easy to make the hummingbird food with this recipe.

4. Speaking of recipes, this one for kabobs is a winner. Yay for grilling season!

5. It feels good to be rewarded. Pampers, Pampers, Pampers. We've been buying them for almost four year straight (no, I would rather not calculate the cost on that). We've tried almost all the other brands of diapers, but this is the brand that's been most reliable with the fewest leaks. For almost four years, I've been diligently entering in the reward points off every single pack of diapers. Turns out, after this long, we finally had enough points to get the "top prize"- a PlasmaCar. I ordered it and it came in just a few days later! It's as much fun as it looks.

What truth did you discover (or rediscover) this week?