Out with the Old

It seems that 2013 wants to leave a memorable impression on us.

Christmas morning, as my in-laws were walking in the door, I reached into the stove to steal a home fry and realized something peculiar. They were ice cold. Our 18 year old gas range died, on Christmas Day.

Only the day we were supposed to cook a ham dinner and have 6 people over...

Steve and I looked at each other. I think we thought the same thing: "We can let this ruin our holiday, or we can just roll with the punches." We decided on the latter, poured Mimosas and Bloody Marys for us and his family, and continued on with the morning. Steve's parents ended up dropping the ham off at my aunt & uncle's house, which was conveniently on their way home. My aunt and uncle cooked the ham and brought it with them that evening. Everything worked out.

I should have remembered that things come in 3's.

The next day, after reading review after review and looking at deal after deal, I ordered a new gas range online from Lowe's, then headed off on my big after-Christmas shopping day. It was slow-going as it was snowing pretty steadily. Suddenly I get the first flat tire of my life, and had to wait for my father-in-law to come to my rescue (I do not know how to change a flat and need to rectify that). Then I was on my way.

Yesterday (Sunday) I went up to the Council on Aging office to print out the January newsletter. 18 copies in, the copier says it's out of toner. Toner that's locked up in a cabinet that I don't have access to because it belongs to the town. The only thing I could do is pack up my bag and be thankful that, because Steve is on Christmas break, I have the ability to go back today to finish it.

There have been so many little things in the past few days that I could really let bother me if I let them. I'm not going to let them. The gas range dying, the flat tire caused by a nail, the toner being out- these are not things that I could have done anything about.

In fact, it has reminded me of something that I really want to keep in mind for 2014:

Let go of what you can't control.

Wise words, right? In the mean time, I have started to get excited about the thought of my very own brand new stove. It's our first major appliance purchase. I'm hoping it's a good one.

He Made Me Cry

He made my cry. My husband, that is. After 7 years of marriage, that man can still pull it off. He gave me one of the most thoughtful, meaningful Christmas presents I have ever received.

On Christmas Eve, while we waited for Santa, he brought down this large rectangular shape and placed it gingerly by the tree. I knew it was something he had made, and so I probably should have known I was a goner, crying-wise, at that moment. He encouraged me to open it then, without the bustle of kids and Christmas around us, so I might enjoy it more.

I peeled the paper back and, as I've mentioned, began to cry. He had put together a timeline of all of the owners of our house, starting with the man who built it, my great great great grandfather, Hiram Packard, and ending with me. There have been seven Packard owners since the house was built 160 years ago, and Steve included a picture (with the exception of one we can't find), and a bio for each person. Around the edges he included a property tax bill from 1885 for $14 and some change. He added pictures of the house throughout the years, including when route 9 was what is now our current driveway.

It's beautiful, and I couldn't stop looking at it.

Looking at the faces, the similarities. Reading the bios, how every one of the owners served the town in multiple ways (selectmen, town clerk, firefighter, Historical Society, etc).

I was amazed, all over again, that I had married a man who knew me so well. Who knew my passion for my family history, this town and this house. This beautiful, old house that has seen so much love, and it's share of heartache, too. To commemorate that in the way that he did, well, I love him for it.

Thank you, Steve.

This Christmas

I think, in my 30th year, I've finally done it. I've figured out this whole Christmas thing.

I started shopping early- October. I made a list of all the people I wanted to buy for and ideas of what to get them. Long gone are the days when I had time to leisurely stroll through the mall and look for gifts. Now I just try to listen more to what people say they like, where people say they like to shop, and I base my gift giving off of that.

I ordered our Christmas cards right before Thanksgiving, hoping I'd hit a good deal. I did- 40% off at Shutterfly. Note to self- order more next year! I was about ten short.

Lovely craft and Advent ideas floated in front of my eyes on Pinterest, but I decided this wasn't the year to complicate things. We stuck with our chocolate Advent calendar, and no Elves on Shelves or Kindness Elves graced our house this year. We did just a few crafts and at some point I just decided- that was enough. Sure, there are a lot of cool ideas out there, but we don't need to try every last one.

I had all my wrapping paper already- bought last year, the day after Christmas, for 50% off. The way to go, I'm telling you.

The one thing I forgot? Scotch tape. And when the time to wrap finally presented myself, I didn't want to wait. No, this year's wrapping paper is held together with snowflake and motivational stickers we had on hand. I'm thinking the 3 year old and almost 2 year old won't even notice (or care).

Simplify, simplify. It has worked. Even the unintentional act of not going near a mall (thank you, online shopping) in the past few months, has worked wonders on my stress levels. The commercialism hasn't been in my face quite as much, and, hey, maybe that's why I don't mind Christmas music 24/7 this month- I'm not associating it with busy, loud stores filled with stressed out people.

One of my favorite moments this past weekend was after Buddy came in from playing out in the snow with Steve & Rosie. I got him changed into some dry clothes, and then we snuggled on the couch, watched an episode of Chuggington- that boy loves his trains- and shared a candy cane. I'll take that over a day of Christmas shopping at the mall anytime.

Chocolate Pretzel Treats

I would be remiss if I didn't devote an entire post to these delectable treats. After all, they are this family's favorite at Christmas!

I'll never forget the year my sister-in-law placed these cute treats on the table in front of us. One bite, and I never looked back! They are perfect for this time of year.

Chocolate Pretzel Treats

Bag of small pretzel squares (Snyder's calls them Snaps)
Hershey Kisses
Red & Green M&Ms

Preheat oven to 300. Put aluminum foil on a baking sheet, lay out pretzels in a single layer. Place an unwrapped Hershey kiss on each one, pop them in the oven for 3 minutes. Take them out and immediately press a red or green m&m into each one. Let them cool.

Salty & sweet. Heaven, I'm telling you. Warning: these are addictive!

The kids loved helping me make them. I thought they'd have trouble taking the wrappers off the kisses, but nope! They did great. Rosie loved pressing the m&ms in, and Buddy missed the memo and just started eating m&ms by the handful. I mean, he is his mother's son.

Enjoy!

Empower Your Partner

Us mothers, we just try to do too much.

We read the books before baby arrives. We make a baby registry. We hear stories far and wide from other mothers about their deliveries. Then, baby arrives. Maybe, just maybe, we try to control everything surrounding baby- when he or she has the first bath, how it's done, because, you see, we've read the book.

Quickly we might find ourselves in a pattern of doing most everything when it comes to the baby, and when it comes to our partner trying to help, we tell them how to do it. This might be welcomed or resented on their part.

Before you know it, one or the both of you might be saying "Well, you're really better at this" and certain aspects of parenting fall solely on one of you. Before you can blink an eye, your kid is showing a preference for one of you at certain times- bedtime or bath time for instance- and you and your partner might just look at each other, shrug, and go along with it.

Don't do it, mamas.

I thought because our baby didn't see her dad all day, she'd prefer him, Nope, she still wanted me. For everything. It's easy to give in because it will cause less tears and less stress for everyone.

Don't do it.

There was no reason that Dad couldn't give her a bath or put her to bed. I will say that it was Rosie who had the preferences- Buddy didn't and I wonder if it's because we had a different mindset with him from the start. I told Rosie that Dad could do it just as well, and after a few tears, you know what? She was fine and having a great time with her Dad who she hadn't seen all day.

Empower your partner.

There is nothing I do that Steve can't do as well for our kids. Neither one of us is "the only one" who can do bedtime, baths or meals. On the occasion that I'm away- maybe just a dinner out with a friend- I have no worries about Steve being able to handle the kids. He is a terrific father and knows all the ins and outs of our kids as well as I do.

Moms, I plead with you- don't try to do it all. Is it nice to be wanted by your children? Yes, of course. But they need to see that you have confidence in their father to do things just as well as you do. Teach them gender equality from the beginning. So what if your husband doesn't do everything the way you do? It's good for your children to experience different parenting styles. It's good to let go and not try to control every situation. If you need things a very certain way, know that your children may see that and insist upon the same.

Moms, go a little easier on yourselves. You don't have to do it all. None of us can. Empower your partner to join you on this journey called Parenthood.

Little Reminders

Every day I pick up around the house. Twice a day, as a matter of fact. First time is after I've put the kids down for naps, the second time is after they've gone to bed. Some might say I'm crazy (for picking up twice), I say it helps keep me fit. It's all about movement, baby! For me, a cleaner and more organized house has symbolized something even more important- my health. I'm not sitting very much!

I digress.

Picking up the house, as good as it is for my body, is still not the most exciting chore in the world. Something that makes it a little more fun, however, are the glimpses I see into my children's imaginations.

A window sill had become a train track for Buddy's two small train cars. Remote controls had become beds for Rosie's little people. The spot under the table had become a fort. The end table had become a highway for matchbox cars.

Everywhere I look, I see Little Reminders of my little children. They're still little, but not for long. How many more years will I find princesses in my boots and stickers on my slippers?

Even on the hardest days, these reminders make me smile. It makes me remember that imagination is a gift, one that adults should try to use more often.

Friday Five: Easy Weeknight Dinners

Here are a few of our favorite dinners:

1. Roasted Drumsticks & Veggies. The best thing about this is that you cook everything at once- the chicken and the vegetables. So tasty! I had to cook them longer than the recipe suggested (I did close to an hour). This meal is in regular rotation at our house this time of year.

2. Oven Baked Chicken Fajitas. Simply put, you need to make these. They're the best homemade fajitas ever! I can't believe you can create the seasoning so easily at home; I shake my head thinking of all the years I bought the little packets of El Paso Fajita Seasoning. The only thing I do differently from the recipe is that I sprinkle some Mexican cheese on the top 5 minutes before it's done baking. And sour cream is a must once you put it in the tortilla!

3. Taco Mac Casserole. Another ridiculously easy and scrumptious meal. I might be 30 years old, but I've got nothing against Kraft Mac & Cheese, which is what this recipe calls for. I never knew it could taste quite this good.

4. Creamy Tomato Tortellini Soup. This soup is so good with a loaf of warm, fresh bread on a cold evening. Tortellini is one of those things that I love, but I also used to forgot it exists. That doesn't happen anymore now that I make this!

5. Buffalo Chicken & Potatoes Casserole. Notice the title of this post isn't healthy weeknight dinners, because this recipe is not exactly light. It is, however, amazing, and I believe in everything in moderation! My alterations: cream of chicken instead of cream of celery, Ken's blue cheese dressing, panko instead of cornflake crumbs, omitted the green onion. Upped the cooking time by about 20 minutes. Really good.

What's one of your go-to weeknight dinners?

For the Love of Hunting

I just bid the guys adieu. They're off to their yearly hunting weekend, and maybe this will be the year they get a deer.

I have no problem with hunting. I grew up in these rural Hilltowns, therefore I grew up with hunting. And guns. It is a culture here, and when Steve first told me he was into hunting I wasn't surprised in the least. I needed to look no further than our attic to see a picture of my great grandfather, Paul, standing proudly with his gun and a deer circa 1925. Hunting, while no longer a means of survival, is still practiced here.

I'm lucky, though. One of the guys that hunts with Steve? His wife happens to be one of my very best friends. She's coming up to our house with their kids, and they'll spend the weekend like they did last year. Our four kids are ridiculously close in age- her oldest is a mere 2 years and 1.5 months older than my youngest, and our two girls' ages are in between! They'll run around, tear the house apart, and I can see us sitting back (maybe adult beverages in hand), and marveling at what a change a year brings.

And I'm hoping for that deer. The frugal part of me could really see a benefit to the meat a deer would provide. I've had venison plenty of times, and if cooked correctly, it's pretty tasty.

As I waved goodbye to the guys tonight, I remembered one of the things Steve said to me when we first started dating. He said he loved that I was a Goshen Girl- someone not afraid to walk in the woods (ahem, not during hunting season), go to Vermont, use an outhouse, etc. He was glad that I was okay with his interest in hunting.

Almost 12 years later, I'm still proud to be his Goshen Girl.

(ETA: I wrote this last Thursday. The guys, sadly, did not get a deer, but my friend and I had a fun time and the kids played together well).

Loss

The thing about Facebook is that you may be friends with a lot of people, but some of them, if they don't ever post, you kind of forget they're there. That is, until their birthday reminder pops up on the right of your screen. A few weeks ago, I saw that it was Denise's birthday, a woman both Steve and I worked with when we were on the maintenance crew at MCLA. I wrote her a birthday wish, thought to myself what a good person she was, and off I went with my day.

That evening, my sister was ready to babysit the kids, and I was getting ready to go out on our monthly date night. I called out to Steve and he didn't answer. I found him in front of his iPad, mouth open in shock. "Denise died" was all he could mutter. My heart sank to my stomach as we both looked at her Facebook page in disbelief. People had written things like "Miss you every day, Denise", "Thinking of you on your special day. Miss you lots".

It finally sunk in. Denise had passed. Months ago- in June. And we learned through Facebook, of all things.

It's not that we were close but we had kept in touch all these years through Christmas cards and the occasional email. We knew she had a bout with cancer, but last we knew she was doing better. We live 45 minutes away from her in a different county, so we didn't see her obituary. We didn't know her husband or family, so they had no reason to call us. It was a very strange way to find out bad news.

I've really been trying to pay attention to my gut lately (because I now think that's God speaking), and my gut told me to write a letter to Denise's family. It didn't matter that I had never met them, I needed to write them.

I finally wrote that letter last week. In it I conveyed our connection to her and what we remembered her being (a hard worker, always smiling, hearty laugh and just a good, good person). I also made it a point to mention to them that she always talked and bragged about her family: even though we were only in touch occasionally, it was evident her family meant the world to her. I needed to let them know that she loved them deeply (I'm sure they already know, but it never hurts to hear it again) and that her Faith was strong. In particular, her last letter gave so much praise to God. I had thought about it often over the past year.

I'm sure that they might be a little taken aback by this letter, as it's so many months after the fact, but I also hope it might help their healing process. I know that I never tire of hearing people's stories of my mom. My prayers are with them this month, as I know how hard the holidays are after losing someone.

We lost some good people this year.

My 100th Post

This is my 100th post on this blog, which is thoroughly mind-boggling. I worried that I would run out of things to write about, long ago. Maybe that won't happen!

When I think of my blog, Lines from Lithia, I think of Emily Dickinson's poem, "This is My Letter to the World." This blog is My Letter to the World. It's my letter to my husband, my children, my family, my friends. This is my letter to you.

I wear my heart on my sleeve; I always have. I probably overshare. I don't have anything to hide and I don't feel a need anymore to pretend to be someone I'm not. I'm an introvert who likes people. I'm a book worm who would rather do the dishes and hang the laundry on the drying racks to the tune of the birds chirping at the feeder than to the repetitive tunes on the radio. I'm a serious girl who likes a good laugh. I'm a feminist who never once envisioned being a stay at home mom, but now would never trade it for the world. I'm a believer in God but wish I prayed more often. I'm a believer in chocolate every day and getting up before the kids do so I can start my day sane.

I'm a believer in the escapism that books offer, and the freedom that writing provides.

I believe in writing about the good stuff and the bad, because if I can reassure just one person out there that they are not alone, I've done something worthwhile. I believe in writing for me, even though it can be easy to succumb to what I think my readers might like most to read.

I believe in me. If you told me two years ago that I would lose over 60 lbs and be 100 posts into a blog, I might have laughed at you. Now I believe that any of us, cliché as it sounds, can do anything we want to.

I believe in you. Thank you for reading!

Living Up Here

A friend's recent Facebook post about her annoyance over her neighbor's dog who barked for an hour made me pause. I had forgotten, or simply taken for granted, one of the best things about living in this rural area: No obnoxious neighbors!

The only sounds are the constant hum of route 9 and nature. That's it. No dogs howling (unless they're ours), no noisy next door neighbors, no one.

One of my friends, the first time she visited our house said: "You're so isolated up here!".

I had never thought that. Do I see people from my doorstep? Rarely. But in this digital age I have friends literally at my fingertips- texting, email, Facebook. It might look lonely here but it isn't.

I revel in the quiet, the peacefulness, and being able to look up at a star-lit sky not obscured by street lights.

It's 7 minutes to the closest gas station and ATM, and 20 minutes to the nearest grocery store. Sometimes it seems like a major inconvenience, especially if you just need one thing, but in general, we don't mind the drive. Our kids have always liked riding in the car, and I enjoy being able to listen to music and podcasts.

You can't put a price tag on peace and quiet.

New Traditions

As Thanksgiving came upon us, I realized we had plans for the meal- to meet Steve's family at a restaurant for 12:30, then back to their house for pie and cards- but no plans for Thanksgiving morning.

Thanksgiving morning...not something especially known for traditions up until now. I decided I wanted to change that because it has always seemed disappointing to me, even as an adult, when holiday mornings seem like the same as any morning.

Plans began to form.

I ran the idea of a "special breakfast" past Steve, who is the breakfast cook in our house. He immediately narrowed down a few recipes we had never had, and decided on a Sausage, Egg, Hash brown Casserole. I came up with the idea for us to enjoy a few mimosas, as well, and because it was a holiday, I bought the apple cider donuts I had been eyeing for months.

The morning couldn't have gone better! We all stayed in our pajamas, the house was toasty warm from the wood stove, and to top it off, there were lazy snowflakes floating through the air outside. It couldn't have been more picturesque.

We watched the parade on TV as we ate our breakfast (yet another special thing that we never usually do), and just relaxed. Eventually we took showers and baths, and headed off to our Thanksgiving dinner. It was very different from the usual hustle and bustle a typical morning brings.

We couldn't remember a nicer Thanksgiving morning. It was special in many ways, and also a reminder that, if you put your mind to it, any moment can be as fun as you want to make it. A lot of it depends purely on your mindset.

Thankful for Every Little Thing

Last month I devoured a book called "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. In this book, a friend has challenged the author to find 1000 gifts from God in her day to day life. Because she's paying attention, she starts to find God's gifts even in the must mundane of places- washing the dishes, for example. She sees the rainbow colored bubbles rising and popping. She starts seeing God all throughout the ordinary that pervades her day.

As I read this book, I couldn't help but start noticing God's gifts that are ever present in my life. In less than 10 minutes I had a small list running in my head:

- the taste of warm banana bread that's freshly baked
- the smell of fresh coffee grounds
- the feel of Buddy's soft, warm cheek against mine as I get him up from his nap
- the smile that darts across Rosie's face when she's come up with a fun idea
- the smell of cold and aftershave on Steve when he hugs me when he gets home from work

All little things, but aren't the little things going to be what we remember most?

Since reading this book, I have continued to notice God's presence in my day to day life. It's reassuring, and I can't help but feel grateful for all of it. Even the nitty-gritty, because I think that's where we find God most often.

Thankful for Support

I've tried to be mindfully thankful this entire month. This week, as we approach Thanksgiving, I find myself being more and more grateful for our family. Our support network.

There are two women who come to mind immediately. One of them is my grandfather's lady friend, Marge. I know she is sent to us straight from God. When my grandmother passed 9 years ago, I didn't think there was much that was going to make my grandfather happy ever again. Then he met Marge and I saw him smile again. I got to know her more once I became a stay at home mom, and Rosie and I would go visit them. Once Buddy was born and I was feeling a little overwhelmed, she offered to watch him every week, so I could go grocery shopping with Rosie.

It made all the difference in the world.

I got one on one time with my baby girl, who, it's hard to believe, was only 16 months old when he was born. Marge watched Buddy once a week for a year and half. They have a very special bond because of it. Now she watches both of them when I have doctor or dentist appointments, and even when we went to an out of state wedding in September. Simply put, she is an angel. I don't know where I'd be without her. The kids love her and her gentle way. Marge, I am always, and this week especially, thankful for you.

The other woman I am extremely grateful for is my mother-in-law, Marcia. She loves her grandkids fiercely. She watches them whenever she can, and the kids love sleepovers at Nana's. I've always said that one of the best things we did was let them sleepover at her & Steve Sr.'s house early on because it's second nature to them now. This was particular handy when Buddy was born, and Rosie spent a few nights at Nana & Grampa's- it was nothing new to her!

Marcia. Another lady I don't know where I'd be without. Having lost my own mother, I know God has given me this nurturing, caring mother-in-law, and I am forever grateful. She's listened to my worries and has always been there for me, even in the delivery room that first time, when I just needed to grasp another woman's hand as the Doctor discussed a C-section (it didn't happen but I'll never forget that moment she let me whisper out my tear-filled worries and reassured me).

Thank you, God, for these amazing women and everyone else in our support network who constantly give us the strength to get over hurdles, both big and small. I am forever grateful that my kids are surrounded by people who love them so very much.

Friday Five: No Winter Weight Gain

It's late November and feasts and parties and dinners are on the docket for the next month. Last year, I managed to successfully keep losing weight through the winter, and if I could do that, there's no reason I shouldn't be able to maintain my current weight through these months.

Key components of my plan:

1. To constantly monitor my weight, stepping onto the scale at least every other day. If I see that number start to creep up, I will use my strategies to bring it back down- mainly keeping an eye on calorie intake.

2. Festive mixed drinks and spiked eggnog will abound, but I will stick to wine or beer (fewer calories). Except for hot chocolate with a little peppermint schnapps; I will definitely make an exception for that.

3. I will not feel obligated to eat. There was a time when I thought I should always take seconds, to show my host how good I thought everything was (even if I didn't really think so). Not anymore. I will not eat more of something just to be nice, even if someone nudges me with a plate of cookies- "Come on, take another." I am in control of what I eat, no one else. And if anyone if offended, well, that's just plain silly.

4. I will not load my plate with food I don't even care about. This kind of goes with the "I will not feel obligated to eat", but I thought I'd separate it as I realize now how much I used to do this. You know the buffet-style get-togethers, where there's a hodgepodge of food, some of it really good, a lot of it really bland? I used to just follow the crowd, filling my plate up with a little of everything. I was eating food I had no interest in. Nowadays, if I'm going to indulge a little, it won't be on food I don't care about. I will be choosy at the buffet, as the desserts will follow and I know I will want some of them.

5. I will continue to drink water like it's going out of style even though I find it harder to drink water in the colder months. Just last week I found myself hungry at a time I never usually am. The culprit? I hadn't drank enough water. I downed a bottle of water, and what do you know? I wasn't hungry anymore. It was a good reminder that thirst can often be mistaken for hunger.

Who's with me? We can do this!

Branching Out

Last month I got a call asking if I would be interested in the position of Secretary for the Goshen Historical Society.

Why, yes. I would be!

My ancestors, the Packards, were some of the first settlers of Goshen. I'm the 8th generation, living in the family homestead, surrounded by diaries and letters dating from 1798 to 1918. How could I not be part of the Historical Society?

I went to my first Board of Directors meeting. It was the first time I had ever taken minutes at a meeting, and I was kind of nervous about it. Turns out, it's just like note-taking in college and not very difficult. The main thing we talked about was what programs we were going to hold next year.

At that moment, I thought about the Eleanor Roosevelt magnet on my refrigerator that reminds me: "Do one thing every day that scares you."

Okay, Eleanor.

With a deep breath, I spoke up and offered to do a presentation on my family, specifically Edward Packard, my Great, Great Grandfather. This will be a program open to the public. To say I'm already kind of terrified is putting it mildly.

My plan is to go through all of those diaries and letters, jotting down the interesting parts- things that will paint a picture of the town in the late 1800s and early 1900s. Depending on how familiar you are with diaries from that era, you might know that most of the entries are pretty mundane: "Ed drew wood today", "4 of us went to services, the rest didn't". But tucked in here and there, you'll find little nuggets, like about gypsy wagons that traveled through town in 1904. Those are the parts I want to share with the public. I have these primary sources at my fingertips. They deserve a look through and a program dedicated to them.

Now let's hope I can read the handwriting well enough. I have until September to get this done!

Letting Loose

I can hardly believe the words as I type them, but... becoming a parent has taught me how to let loose.

To have fun, with pure abandonment, without a care in the world.

Surely I learned this pre-mommyhood, say, in college perhaps? Nope. Back then I still cared a lot about what other people thought. Back then I took hanging out with friends and having fun for granted.

Not anymore. Not after two kids.

This weekend, we went into Boston with our good friends to celebrate two of them turning 30. They rented a SUV so that the 7 of us could ride together. First stop was the Sam Adams Brewery for a tour and tastings. The tour guide said the rowdier we were, the more beer he'd pour, so we happily obliged with whoops, clapping and cheering. During the tasting at the end, we got our whole table singing "Sweet Caroline", something you never would have caught me doing pre-kids.

Next was one of Boston's best-kept secrets: the Sam Adams Brewery offers a free party trolley that takes you to Doyle's, the first pub that took a chance on serving Sam Adams. It's also a pub where a few famous movies have been filmed- "Mystic River" and "21". On the way there, the driver makes you laugh hysterically, by saying "DOYLE'S" in his awesome Boston accent, and playing "Oh What a Night" by Frankie Valli and the Four Tops at top volume. You can't help but get in a fun mood if you're not in one already.

After delicious appetizers at Doyle's, we hopped back on the party trolley to go back to the Brewery, where the SUV was parked. It was a warm day, so we decided to take over the back of the trolley. This time, the driver played "That's the Way I Like It", and we all started singing along to it, trying not to fall over when the trolley braked.

I couldn't stop smiling.

It was the most fun I had in a while.

Before you're a parent, you don't really realize how fortunate you are to be able to have friends over on a whim and to go out whenever you want to. Now, knowing how few and far between these moments with friends can be, I soaked in every minute. It felt really good, for one afternoon, to let loose on the back of a trolley in the streets of Boston.

The Birthday Cake of Choice

Steve's birthday was Wednesday, which meant I got to make this family's favorite birthday cake!

Duncan Hines Chocolate Raspberry Cake

Devil's Food cake mix
Raspberry preserves
Chocolate frosting
Cream cheese frosting
Raspberries

Make the cake according to the directions on the box, using two 8" round pans. Once the cakes have cooled, spread cream cheese frosting over the top of one of them. Next spread a layer of raspberry preserves. Put the other cake on top, to make it double layered, and spread chocolate frosting over the whole thing. Garnish with raspberries.

It's kind of amazing. Once you make it, it won't last long! A must for chocolate/raspberry lovers.

(The original recipe called for 2 cups sour cream added to the cake mix, but I found it plenty moist and flavorful without the added calories).

Outlet

I remember the first time that writing freed me.

I was in 6th grade. I had glasses, braces and not a whole lot of self esteem. In just a few short months I was going to go from being in a class of 11 to a class of 120. We were going to jump out of the small pond that was our local school to the regional middle/ high school, miles away.

I didn't realize how much I had built up my feelings about all that was going on around me, until I got my hands on a spare notebook at home. On a whim, I just started writing whatever came to mind- even if they were mean, hateful things. Once I started, I couldn't stop, and with every word I felt relief. In this private notebook, I could say what I felt about anyone and anything.

I could get it out of my system.

I did just that, for months. I took that notebook everywhere, even on car rides. Sometimes I even included illustrations. I wrote and wrote. It was soon after that I began journaling, which I did right up until college.

I found that once I met the love of my life, the one I could tell anything to, I didn't feel a need to write so much. I found that once I met genuine friends, ones that related to me on things I didn't think possible, I didn't feel the need to journal.

I've been writing, again, for seven months now on this blog. This time, not to free me as much as document. I want to formulate, into the written word, thoughts that pass through my mind.

I remember the first time writing freed me. I had found an outlet. It feels good to be plugged into it once again.

That One Moment

It was a particularly tough afternoon in the Estelle household.

I wasn't feeling up to par, it was right before nap time and kids were cranky. Out of the blue, I see Rosie go up to Buddy, put her hands gently on his cheeks and say:

"Thank you, God, for Buddy."

Any frustration I felt melted away instantly and I was transformed into a puddle of mush. I couldn't believe my daughter had just spontaneously thanked God for something. Every night, we ask her what she would like to thank God for, but this? Completely from right field.

That One Moment transformed the day.

Thank you, God.

Friday Five: Ways I Save Money

I feel like I am finding new ways to save money left and right. Here are the most recent ones that have made a difference in my pocket book:

1. Target REDcard Debit Card. Most every store offers a credit card, but few offer debit cards. Target does, and I wish I had known about it much sooner! It links directly to your bank account, and takes the money out in the exact way that your regular debit card would. The difference is, every time you use your REDcard, you get 5% taken right off your purchase automatically! And, as if that wasn't good enough, get this: Free shipping, no minimum, off target.com. I was able to order Rosie's winter jacket as soon as it went on sale without driving 30 minutes each way. Love it.

2. Cumberland Farms SmartPay Card. Yet another debit card that does the same thing as my regular debit card, except that when I use it, I get 10 cents off a gallon. I paid $3.19/ gallon for gas yesterday. Amazing.

3. Downgraded our cable package. Late this summer, I noticed our DirecTV bill had gone up about $6. As we hadn't taken a look at the different packages they offered since we moved in three years ago, I gave them a ring. I asked about the package that was one step below the one we currently had, and found out that we were only losing one channel that we would have liked, but were okay to go without. The sales associate was very respectful and didn't try to talk me out of it, which I appreciated. Now our bill is the same as it was before the price hike, but at least it's not any higher.

4. After- holiday sales. There was a time when I'd see the Halloween display a week after the event, and just look away, because I had enough. They had that stuff up since August and I was sick of looking at it! How things have changed. Now I see that huge pile of Halloween stuff and make a beeline for it. It's everything they were selling at regular price, except now it's 50-75% off! I think ahead to next year's party and what we'll need. This week I bought $9.50 worth of Halloween items for $3.74. To say I'm psyched is an understatement.

5. Coupons & Coupon Codes sent to my email. It's hardly ground breaking, as I'm sure most people get promotional emails sent to them, but these coupon codes have helped me save a bit. As I don't like weeding through personal email and promotional emails, I made a separate account for each- I have an email I use solely for all those times any store asks for my email. It keeps my personal email from getting cluttered. I unsubscribe from the stores I barely shop at, but keep my eye out for emails from my favorites, and often get some great deals because of it.

What's your money saving secret that I should know about? Do tell!

What No One Tells You: Toddler / Preschooler Edition

What no one tells you about being a parent to a toddler/preschooler is that:

- you will develop a love-hate relationship with kid food because you serve it day in and day out. Right now I'm loving peanut butter & jelly sandwiches, but if I never saw another Goldfish again I would be a very happy person.

- some in this age group develop their own code language to indicate they don't like something, i.e. "I'm getting cold" or "I'm getting tired". Innocent onlookers, not realizing it's code, will honestly think your child is either cold or tired, and as the only actually tired person in the trio, you will not possess the ability to explain the code language.

- when your child says no, they really mean yes. But sometimes they mean no or kind of.

- you could own every toy in the world, but your kids will prefer to play with rocks, sand and milkweed pods.

Last but not least, what no one tells you about being a parent to a toddler/ preschooler is that you will get your best laughs and your biggest tears from the things they say. One day, Rosie told me: "You already did lost your mind, mama" (I'm still laughing at that one). The next week, she tells me: "Grampa should come down now." Me: "Down from where?" Rosie: "Heaven. I really miss him!"

It's those kinds of things, said completely out of the blue, that will knock you straight down when you least expect it. Toddler/ preschooler honesty is tough and beautiful all at once.

That Hour

I went to set our lunch down at the kitchen table, and noticed that because of the time change, the light fell differently across the smooth wooden grains. It was shining on Rosie's spot at the table instead of Buddy's.

(Just one of many things I was too busy to notice ever before)

We turned the clocks back and we gained an hour. And with that hour comes something wonderful- it's no longer pitch dark at 6:30am- but also something I kind of dread.

The loss of late afternoon light.

My mood depends on the sun being out more than I care to admit. Gray days still make me want to crawl back into bed and watch movies and read books all day, something little ones don't always care for. Lucky for me, one of my best friends relies on sunshine as much as I do, so we send each other virtual sunshine rays through text. Never fails to make me smile.

When I worked at the newspaper, winter was brutal for me, moral-wise. I drove to work in the dark, and drove home in more of the same. I only had a 30 minute lunch, and hardly ever ventured off the grounds during that time. There weren't a lot of windows, and I barely saw the sun, in retrospect. It's no wonder I felt lousy.

I've gotten better when it comes to this time of year. I think it's the simple fact that our house faces south, and on a sunny day, the rays shine brightly into the house through our many front windows. It's an instant mood booster to see that beautiful light falling on us as the kids and I color and play.

I'm sure there will be days when the darkness of winter will get me down, but maybe as long as I keep noticing the little things, like the way the sun shines across the table, I'll come out of this winter on top. I'll try to enjoy every ray of sunshine that comes my way.

Make the Time

Something I read in a magazine this week caught my eye: "'I never made time to read because life was so busy, but then I realized that life would always be busy. Now I read every day.'" (Parents, October 2013).

Have truer words ever been spoken? "...but then I realized that life would always be busy". It always will be. Life doesn't just stop. No one steps in the middle of your day and says: "OK. Go read now. Go exercise. Everything will be on hold until you get back".

You have to make the time. You have to be your biggest advocate.

I make time to walk the dogs, write in a diary and read a chapter in my book before bed. I make time to see friends, cook healthy meals and visit relatives.

What don't I make time for? Things that don't matter that much to me (painting my nails, cleaning my house with a fine-tooth comb and playing online games come to mind). A favorite quote of mine is: "If it matters to you, you will find the time. If not, you will find an excuse."

Many women seem to hold themselves back, putting themselves on a hook of "I have too much to do" and not allowing themselves to do the things that would make them happier. On the other hand, a lot of men don't seem to have this hang-up. They seem to make plenty of time for the things they enjoy (and as well they should as long as it doesn't interfere with their family or life in a negative way).

If you really, really want to go to a concert and your husband doesn't want to go, go with a friend. Even if you have kids, it doesn't mean that everything has to be done as a family or with your spouse. You need to continue growing as a person, too. You didn't just stop being You when you got married and became a mother.

You deserve time to grow. As soon as you can convince yourself of this, you'll be able to convince those near and dear, and then you can advocate for what you want and need in your life.

What No One Tells You: Home Edition

What no one tells you about having your own place is that:

- you should never, ever buy the cheapest toilet paper you can find. We did that once, thinking we were being thrifty. That toilet paper made Scott brand feel luxurious. Just trust me on this one- Don't. Do. It.

- if you have a queen size mattress, get a king size comforter. Blanket stealing problems solved.

- you only need water, lemon juice and white vinegar to clean your microwave. Put a little of each in a bowl, microwave for 4 minutes, take out and wipe down the microwave with a paper towel. No harsh chemicals!

- one of the things you should have a small stock of is cans of ginger ale. I'm not a soda drinker, but when I have a stomach bug, it's one of the few things I can drink. And you know what you don't want to do when you have a stomach bug? Drive somewhere. Just keep some in stock.

Most of all, what no tells you about having your own place is that even though it might be filled with mismatched, hand-me-down furniture, it's your place and that alone will make it more beautiful than any other place you lived before. Memories will shape each corner, and echoes of laughter will carry down the staircases and hallways. Some day it will be hard to remember living anywhere but there.

The Patience Tank

Raising young children requires a tank of patience so deep and so wide, you can scarcely imagine it until you're there yourself. I'm talking about tantrums over a piece of food falling, tears over being asked if they need to use the potty and fights over rocks in a pail.

I consider myself a relatively patient person when it comes to my kids. I try not to yell a whole lot, as I believe in leading by example. Instead, I choose to use a very firm tone. To not yell several times a day takes up a lot of the patience in that tank.

At the end of most days, the tank has some patience leftover. Some days, though?

Some days, I'm ready to call "Do over!" at 9am and put us all back to bed until the next day when we can start over.

Some days, when the kids are at each other's throats and mine, and we've made it all the way through lunch and I'm exhausted, I spend the hour until nap just laying on the living room floor. This seems to have a weird calming effect on the kids. One or both of them end up cuddling with me, or they play like angels together. I can't explain it.

Some days, as soon as Steve walks in the door, I'm walking out of it, leash in hand, to go on a walk with the dogs in the quarry. He encourages it- one of the many, many reasons I love him.

On those days, when the patience tank seems to have sprung a leak, I try to take deep breaths and remember the whole: "Don't let a bad day make you feel like you have a bad life".  Each and every day is different; the bad ones just seem to be much longer than the good ones. I try to find something really good to look forward to- a walk, a TV show, a glass of wine with Steve- and do what I can to make it through until then.

This raising-kids-stuff isn't for the weak-hearted, let me tell you.

Friday Five: Favorite Fall Recipes

As the weather turns colder, I'm more than happy to get out my crock pot and Dutch oven and turn on the stove!

Here are 5 Fall recipes that rock my world:

1. Beef Stew. This is, hands down, the best stew recipe I've found. The meat comes out so tender, and the flavor is amazing. I do what they suggest- add a slurry of cornstarch and beef broth at the end to thicken it up. Perfect with a crusty loaf of fresh bread. Yum!

2. Pot Roast & Veggies. After years of disappointing, rubbery pot roasts, this recipe nailed it. I highly recommend getting a fattier cut of meat, like a chuck roast. Last time I used bottom round and it didn't come out quite as well. I made mashed potatoes to go with it, and the juice/gravy from the roast is delicious on top of it all.

3. Roast Chicken with Rosemary. The idea of cooking a whole chicken used to scare me. Then I made this recipe and realized it's pretty darn easy! My variations: Rubbed chicken with olive oil, even under the skin by the breast. Chopped up rosemary and sprinkled it all over with the salt and pepper. Along with the onion, stuffed 3 cloves of garlic and sprigs of rosemary. Followed the 20 minutes per pound at 350 degrees rule, and let sit for 10 minutes afterward. Perfection!

4. Roasted Acorn Squash. Not going to lie, kind of felt like a grown-up when I made this. Amazing. I only used about 1/6 cup brown sugar (half what the recipe calls for) and it came out so very, very good.

5. Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Muffins. Last, but definitely not least, these are a Fall staple in our house. Moist and delicious, and not too bad for you considering all of the fiber there is in pumpkin! My variations: Used unsweetened applesauce instead of oil, light brown sugar instead of white, 1 cup pumpkin, doubled the amount of cinnamon & nutmeg (didn't use cloves). 28 minutes at 350 degrees.

What's your favorite Fall recipe? I'm always looking to try something new!

Marry Someone

Dear Rosie & Buddy,

One of my biggest hopes for both of you is that someday you will each find the kind of love that I share with your father.

Marry someone not because you think you can change them into something else, but because you love who they are right now and the potential of what they could become.

Marry someone not because you are lonely, but because you feel like if time were eternal, you still wouldn't have spent enough days with them.

Marry someone who you can talk easily and at length with, not just on the first date but 12 years later.

Marry someone who can make you laugh, even when you don't feel like it.

Marry someone who doesn't hesitate to say "Not at all" when you say: "Do you mind if I go to the creamery to get some space and write?" after you've been at home with the kids all day.

Most importantly: marry someone who encourages you to have time to yourself, time with your friends and family and time with him or her. You can only give your best to the world when you know exactly who you are, and when you have solid relationships with the most important people in your life.

A true partner will help you achieve your highest potential. This is what your father does for me daily, and I love him a little more each day because of it.

Love,
Mom

Things I Don't Worry About

There are many stressors in life, and things that worry me, but having been a mom for over three years now, here are a few things I don't worry about:

1. If my kids finish their plates. This was a big one when I was growing up. I was very much expected to clean my plate. On reflection, I was eating past the point of being hungry, just to finish what was put in front of me. I have read about how this philosophy can translate to obesity in adulthood, and I have no doubt that it contributed to my weight gain in my 20's. From a young age, I was expected to eat all that someone else expected me to eat, not how much I actually wanted to eat. Habits are hard to break from how you were raised, and I used to fret over Rosie not eating enough. Not anymore. Some days one or both of them barely eat anything at a meal time, other times they eat everything and ask for more. They will eat when they're hungry, is what I've come to learn.

Rosie and Buddy get served what I've made for the rest of the family, especially at dinner. They do not get special food; I am not a short order cook. I admit, back when I used to worry about Rosie's eating, I would make her special meals just to ensure she ate. Thankfully I changed that before she was old enough to really know better. Now she knows that she can eat what's on her plate, or not eat at all. She's trying more things than she ever has before and her eating is the best it's ever been! Buddy has always been a good eater.

2. When my kids fall asleep. Rosie and Buddy are tucked in between 7 and 7:30. Some nights, they fall asleep right away. Other nights? Buddy lays in his crib, talking to his stuffed animals for a while. Rosie might actually get up and play quietly with her toys. It doesn't bother us in the least. Buddy eventually falls asleep, and Rosie finds her way back to her bed when she tires, and does the same. If either of them cries out, either Steve or I are there in a second. But if they're happy? We let them be. It works for us. They always get enough sleep.

3. If my kids are learning enough. I used to worry about this a lot, especially with Buddy, as I felt I wasn't getting enough one on one time with him. I quickly came to realize that he has something Rosie never had- a constant playmate, who is teaching him things left and right. Rosie is really good with her numbers, shapes and colors, and decent with the alphabet. Buddy still has no interest in letters and numbers, but what I have learned is, it will come with time. Anytime I think, "Am I teaching them everything they need to know?", I remember that they are getting a lot more enrichment than I did at that age, with story times, playgroups and my talking to and teaching them.

4. If Buddy wears a princess dress. I refuse to say No to my son when it comes to girly things, while at the same time saying Yes to my daughter when she wants to be a firefighter or pirate. Buddy can play with anything that Rosie plays with, and vice versa. There are a number of people who disagree with this, but I will not gender stereotype.

It's a parent's job to worry. It's what we do. We all worry about different things. All we can do is try our best to raise happy children!

Tom Foolery

It was October 31st, 2005, and it was our first Halloween in our first apartment. We had a bowl of candy at the ready, the porch light on, and a Jack O Lantern flickering on the steps.

No one came.

As we munched the candy, and watched The Blair Witch Project, we decided we weren't ready to throw the towel in yet when it came to Halloween. We had to make it fun again, and we had been toying with the idea of hosting some kind of themed party.

The Estelle Halloween Party was born.

We're already on our 8th one. We held it when we had a 2 month old (who had her first sleepover at Nana's that night). We held it during a blizzard- partially because none of us really believed it was going to snow that much- boy, were we wrong. That was a party to remember.

We buy a quarter of a keg of Sam Adams Octoberfest, and everyone brings something to eat. There's dancing, games and general tom foolery. We have two "Guess How Many?" jars of candy for people to guess, and we give away small prizes for Best and Funniest Costumes (voted on by everyone at the party).

The costumes are a hoot-Sarah Palin, Pillsbury Dough Boy, Judge Judy, Travelocity Gnome and Flavor Flav are just a few that have shown up at the party. A Dunkin Donuts Iced Coffee and Progressive Flo are some of my favorites that I have dressed up as.

We can't wait to host this party once again, tomorrow night. It's official- Halloween is fun again!

This Fall. Right Now.

I can't remember ever enjoying Fall as much as I do this year.

We made a huge leaf pile with the kids. As they "buried" me, sound slowly muffled, leaf stems poked me in every direction and the crisp aroma of fallen leaves overtook me. I had forgotten how cool the world looks through a tangle of orange and brown leaves and stems.

We put up our bird feeder a few weeks ago. I've always enjoyed watching the birds, but I've never noticed the sequence in which they came until this Fall. The Chickadees found the feeder right away. Next came a Mourning Dove, and just now I saw a Junco hopping around the bottom.

I've said it before: this is my first Fall in over 3 years that I'm not either pregnant or taking care of a wee, wee one (under 14 months old). Every day my kids are a little more capable, and every day I feel like I awaken a little bit more.

I'm noticing so many things around me, a lot of them nature-related. I feel very in tune with our house, our yard and our little corner of the world in general.

I am content.

Champagne Breakfast

About 48 hours from now, bacon will be frying, homemade cinnamon rolls will be put out, and the first coffees, mimosas and bloody marys will be served.

It's time for an annual tradition- the Columbus Day Champagne Breakfast- at our camps in Vermont.

It won't be the same this year. It'll be our first one without Grampa Pease.

I'll never forget the smile he would put on his face as he surveyed the scene around him- his wife, siblings, friends, kids, grandkids and great grandkids- talking, laughing, enjoying a champagne breakfast in the fresh, cool morning air in the middle of the Vermont woods.

The look on his face was one of contentment- if I had to put it into words, it would be: "This is what life is all about. Family and friends coming together and enjoying themselves. I feel like the richest man in the world right now."

So this year, we continue the tradition in his honor. Breakfast food after breakfast food will be prepared. The champagne will flow, and cards (Pitch and Cribbage) will be played. If I know this family, a toast will be made to Gramp. I'll be more than happy to raise my glass to one of the best men I have ever known.

Reflections a Year Later: The Mental Part

I still find myself passing by racks of clothes in certain stores that I knew never had my size.

Except, that was when I was an extra large in shirts, and a 16 in jeans. I'm proud to say that I'm now a medium (sometimes a small) and a 6 in jeans, a recent development. My 8's were getting baggy.

Even though I did the hard work myself, no one did it for me, I still find myself in disbelief. In the past month, I ran into three people I hadn't seen in a long time, and the first words out of their mouths was some variation of: "Wow! You're skinny!".

I walked on air the rest of the day, following those three separate occasions.

I never heard the word "skinny" in association with my former 200+ pound self. I weigh less now (147) than I have my entire adult life. You know how most people look back at their high school or college pictures, wistful? Not me. I cringe. How did I let myself get so big? Why did I think that was okay? Why did I immediately tune out the doctor when she took out her BMI chart, and showed me how I was entering the red zone- the obese zone?

The truth is, I did think it was okay. I still convinced myself that I looked "good enough". I didn't see a reason to change my habits. That was, until I realized I was passing my bad habits onto my children, which I wrote about in this post. That's what finally prompted my 62 pound weight loss.

I don't always feel "skinny". I still have times where I eat a little too much, and my stomach grumbles at me, "Why?". The difference between now and a year ago, is that my healthy eating has become a habit, not something I have to continuously think about. Because I eat clean 85-90% of the time, I do indulge a little here and there the other 10-15% of the time. I know I can have a cider donut and not have it set me back 5 lbs. I know that I can eat that extra slice of pizza because it's not something I have often at all, unlike before.

I finally bought my first "for fun" clothing purchase since my weight loss (losing weight is awesome, rebuilding your entire wardrobe on a fixed income is not). It's a cute little dress. It's not something I'll be able to wear this year because it's considerably colder out, but definitely next. I hope to go out dancing in it, or to a date night or maybe wear it just because. It's the kind of thing I almost walked right by, forgetting that now I can wear this dress. They carried my size- medium.

One on One

Dishes were piled in the sink. Toys were strewn all over the house.

Rosie and I were in the midst of a very giggly game of Memory.

It was bath night, and Steve was giving Buddy a bath. I love to do all sorts of things with my kids, but bath time is not one of them. Steve stepped forward months ago and offered to be the one who gives baths, provided I would dress them/ clip their nails/ brush their hair afterwards. Deal!

It's been one of the best changes we've made in our routine because it guarantees us one on one time with each of the kids, a few times a week.

My instinct is still to want to wash those dishes, pick up those toys, because I mostly operate under a "Work First, Play Later" mentality. However, on bath nights, my time with each kid is limited so I push the must-do's to the side.

Rosie and I played Memory, then drew some pictures. She drew her first recognizable face! We finished with a book. Steve brought Buddy out, and I dressed him. He immediately brought over his favorite book to me- "Trashy Town"- and I read it him.

I have to pause.

My baby boy, who didn't show interest in books for months and months, now has a favorite book, and wants me to read it to him. Over and over. I'll take it!

Before I knew it, Rosie's bath time was over. Steve brought her out, and I proceeded to get her dressed while he put Buddy down for bed.

On our best days, we run like a finely tuned machine, at least when it comes to who does what, between Steve and I. There isn't anything I do for the kids that he isn't able to do. When he comes home, he does as much as I do, and often times, more. I always knew he would be a great father but every day he exceeds my expectations.

He listened to my offhand comment about not liking bath time months ago, and just took it on. He is a true partner.

It's amazing what such a small change can do!

Monarch

My kids love to be outside, and I couldn't be happier.

They delight in everything I show them- ant hills, Jewel weed seed pods, blackberries. All of a sudden all the little things I learned from childhood- how you can pick clover and taste the sweetness of it, how mica on rocks glitter in the sun- are useful again, in a way they haven't been in years. There is so much to see in every foot of outdoor space, and I enjoy getting down to the kids' level to show them.

This September, after a couple years of searching milkweed after milkweed, I finally found a monarch caterpillar. My excitement fed off onto Rosie & Buddy, and they very excitedly followed me into the house. Steve drilled some holes in the top of a mason jar, and we put the caterpillar in, with plenty of milkweed.

When asked what we should name her, Rosie exclaimed: "Redda!". So, Redda it was. Rosie ran off to get Eric Carle's "The Very Hungry Caterpillar", so she could read it to Redda. I guess she didn't need me to make that connection for her!

Redda was already quite big when we found her, so it was no surprise to me that in a few days, we found her hanging from the top of the mason jar in a J shape. The next night, a chrysalis formed. It was hard to believe she was in that tiny green casing.

As luck would have it, Redda hatched the one evening that month that Rosie and Buddy were spending the night at Nana & Grampa's. Steve and I let Redda free outside, and watched her test out her new wobbly legs. I took lots of pictures, and emailed them to Nana so she could show the kids.

I'm so happy that my kids delight in the outside and what nature has to offer. I can only hope that their enthusiasm for the outside continues, and that they will always find nature as healing and exciting as I do to this day.

Halfway into 30

Tomorrow marks my half birthday, meaning I'm halfway into my 30th year. I'm quite positive I never realized when my half birthday was until recently, when curiosity found me counting out the months on my fingers.

Anyways, halfway into 30, I've come to realize a few things...

1. I will never like my ankles. It doesn't seem to matter that I've lost 62 lbs, it looks like my ankles are here to stay. Guess you just can't win them all.

2. 30 years (and 15 years into coffee drinking), I finally have the patience and common sense to let my coffee from Dunkin Donuts cool long enough so I don't burn my tongue. This is a recent development. I seriously used to burn my tongue almost every time. So much more enjoyable when I don't! (For the record, I never have and still don't get coffee out very often- I'd like to think I would have learned this much faster if I was a regular).

3. It's no longer an option for me not to moisturize every day. I used to only do so in the dead of winter when I noticed a little dry skin. Now I even use... gasp...night cream. You know what, though? It works pretty well!

4. It will never feel natural to me to get out of bed when it's still pitch dark outside. It makes me feel tired even when I've gotten my 8 hours!

5. I really need to tell people how I feel about them, as often as I can. In the past week, I have told one of my bestest friends how she saves my day, every day, by texting me and making me feel not so alone in my role as a stay at home mom. I have emailed my Pastor, thanking him for his beautiful sermon on Sunday and how much it affected me. I need to reach out and tell people just how much they mean to me, how what they do matters so much, because it's that kind of thing that makes a difference in a person's day and mine.

I'm enjoying this year very much! Looking forward to seeing what else 30 has to teach me.

Ordinary

I hung the clothes up on the line. I got the kids up, got them dressed, made them breakfast. I put ingredients in the crock pot for Scalloped Potatoes. I filled up our bag with snacks and water for our trip to Target, in which we hunted down a vacuum belt. After Target (where, of course, we ended up buying more than just the vacuum belt), we went to one of our favorite playgrounds on the way home, and ran around for 40 minutes.

The list above seems pretty mundane. Domestic.

But, that day, for whatever reason, I found myself being thankful for that Ordinary Day.

I got to thinking of all the people in the world right now who would do most anything for the kind of Ordinary Day that the kids and I were experiencing. People facing difficult decisions. People facing operations on themselves or loved ones. People facing pain, hurt or loss.

Because when it comes down to it, aren't the Ordinary Days going to be the ones we look back most fondly at? Sure, we'll remember the Big Days- births, graduations, weddings. But out of all the days of our lives, the Ordinary Days will outnumber the Big Days by a wide margin.

I just have this feeling that in 10-15 years, I'd give anything to go back in time, and have nothing more pressing to do in the middle of a weekday than to push my kids on the swings and seesaw with them.

On that day, as I was doing just that, (seesawing), I saw a lady in her 80's walking her dog along the edge of the playground. She looked at us. I looked at her, and we both waved.

I hope I can be that lady, someday, walking my dog on an ordinary day, and see a young mom and her kids playing, and smile and remember. I hope I can think to myself: "You know, those ordinary days were pretty special after all."

Friday Five: Current Obsessions

My name is Kristen Estelle, I'm 30 years old, and I'm currently obsessed with:

1. Breaking Bad. We are, at long last, on Season 5. Gone are the days when we used to be able to watch 6 episodes in a row. Between busy schedules and kids, it's taken us a year to get through four seasons. Now we're on the last one. We are watching the episodes I DVR'd a year ago, haha. Anyways, amazing series. Love it, love it. Can't wait to see how it wraps up.

2. Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins. The second book of the Hunger Games series. Again, if time and the need for sleep weren't an issue, I'd have finished it by now, but that being said, I eagerly look forward to reading this book every night. I'm going to have to get my hands on the third book soon and I can't wait for the second movie to come out in November.

3. Greek yogurt with granola. I am really late to the game when it comes to the obsession with greek yogurt, but I can see why it exists. Took a little getting used to, but, wow. So much better than regular yogurt. Even better when you add some granola to it. It's my go-to mid-afternoon snack.

4. Twisted Old Vine Zinfandel. Okay, I'm not obsessed, I have only drank this wine twice in the past year. But the most recent time, I got hooked all over again. It has such good flavor, as the bottle notes: "...an explosion of blackberry jam, chocolate covered cherries, spicy nutmeg, and luscious ripe plum...". Hands down my favorite red besides the ones that Steve makes. The second best part? It's in the $5 wine section of the liquor store.

5. Aveeno products. I'm a believer! I've been using their Daily Moisturizer SPF 15 for years. Nothing comes close to the value and the softness it brings to my skin while still giving me UV protection. I've also started using two of their other products- skin brightening daily scrub and intensive night cream. I've been very pleased with both, and have definitely noticed a nice change in my skin. The fragrance is light and none of their products feel heavy or greasy. I love finding "forever products" that I no longer need to be on the hunt for!

What's your latest "obsession"?

Pointing to Heaven

"Let's see who this is from," I said to Rosie, as we reached the last birthday present in the pile on the blanket. By this point of the present opening, she was in full princess/fairy regalia that came from a previous gift we had already opened.

"Happy Birthday, Rosie! Love, Great Grandma and Great Grandpa in Heaven." My voice cracked. Gramp's passing was all to recent, and it didn't take much to hit that soft spot. I didn't even think Rosie had heard me because my voice had broken.

I guess she did, though, because, as solemn as could be, she pointed to the sky. To Heaven.

There wasn't a dry eye to be seen at the party.

I talk to my kids all day, every day, about everything. About the big rigs driving by, the ant hills at our feet, Great Grampa in Heaven, up in the clouds with God, looking down and smiling at us. I never know much of it actually sinks in. Apparently that one did.

My other teary eyed moment lately came from Buddy. I was carrying him, and started singing a few lines from "You are my Sunshine". All of a sudden, he wiggled around in my arms, obviously wanting to get down. I set him down, and he ran for the glider. He sat in it, and then patted the part of the seat next to him. I sat down, he crawled onto my lap, and started sucking his thumb.

Sure enough, he remembered me singing that to him, as a little baby, back when I used to swaddle him and rock him to sleep in that chair. I did it again for him, my heart overfilling with love. I was in disbelief that he remembered me rocking him to that particular song. We hadn't done that in...over a year? How do they remember?

Kids, you gotta stop it. I'm an emotional mess with these kind of things you're doing lately! On the other hand, don't. They're the moments that make me realize that every day I spend with you is, indeed, priceless.

Midnight Seesawing

I remembered the neatest thing last week.

I was at a playground with the kids (we visit as many as we can, like it's our job. Because it is). We were playing on the seesaw, and all of a sudden, instead of Rosie on the other end, I saw my grandma.

My smiling 55 year old grandma, seesawing with me at midnight.

Okay, it probably wasn't midnight. But I can tell you it was past 10pm, and pretty much anything after 10pm felt like midnight to my 12 year old self.

She was just the Coolest Grandma. Period. The End.

My grandma and grandpa were only 43 when I was born. They had my mom when they were 18, which is why then ended up being really young grandparents. My most fun childhood memories involve them. My gram watched me every weekday until I went to school, then it was overnights and school vacations at their house while my parents worked.

We went camping, bike riding, hiking, canoeing, you name it. My grandparents, being so young, had energy and were incredibly active. Because of them, I developed a love for the outdoors.

Back to midnight seesawing. It must have been a Saturday night sleepover in late spring. My sister (5 years old at the time) and grandpa had already gone to bed. Gram always let me stay up way late when I spent the night, and we were finishing up a game when one of us had the idea to take a night walk around the block. We were already in our pajamas, but we didn't care- we knew we wouldn't be running into anyone in that sleepy town at the time of night! We started our walk and ended up at the park in the center of town. We seesawed (quietly, as it was against the rules to be in the park after dusk!). I'm certain I remember us cracking up laughing though. How could we not? We were seesawing, in our pajamas, in the park late at night.

It was a blast.

I'm so glad that fun memory bubbled to the surface. I hope I can be that fun of a grandma someday. There seems to be a carefreeness about grandmahood that doesn't always come as easily with motherhood!

Friday Night Wedding

In a little over 12 hours from now, I hope to be dancing with my honey. Either to a slow classic- maybe Sinatra- or a faster classic- maybe The Isley Brother's "Shout". Pretty much any song will do.

We will be at the wedding of a good friend of mine from college. She's marrying an Irish lad, who I look forward to finally meeting. I can't wait to see her walk down the aisle in her beautiful dress, and take in the details of this wedding and reception that I know she has carefully planned.

Weddings... the only true getaway that the husband and I get since having kids! Sure, the kids do sleepovers at Steve's parents' throughout the year, but it seems to be that only when it comes to weddings, do he and I get to still travel to places we've never been- something we loved doing before kids.

We still love it. Knowing us, the first song we'll play on this road trip to New York is Willie Nelson's "On the Road Again", as is our tradition. I don't think I'll actually believe we're going to a new destination three hours away until we're on 90 West, crossing the state line. That in itself will be a small thrill because I definitely know I haven't driven that road since kids.

We're going to download a new comedy routine for the iPod, and just enjoy the ride. Check into the hotel (hopefully early if they'll let us), relax, and take the shuttle provided (yes!) to the wedding, which begins at 5:30pm. I think we'll see a few familiar faces from college, and I can't wait to (probably) get teary eyed at the service, then enjoy the party afterwards- the party celebrating the marriage of a dear friend and her husband.

Our wedding is already seeming so long ago to me! But as I went about getting ready to go to this wedding, I did my own little preparations- I cleaned both my wedding and engagement rings, something I don't do nearly as often as I should. I painted my nails and toenails, put together the jewelry I'll want to wear with my dress. I thought about my friend, what a Big Day today is for her, and how it's just the beginning of a glorious ride.

One day soon, she might be in the same shoes- mom of two kids, getting ready to go to a wedding where all she has to do is relax, enjoy and reflect on her own marriage thus far. It might be the only time she gets to go somewhere new. In these shoes or newly married- both are pretty good spots in life to be in.

Let Them Get Messy

When I was growing up, I was highly discouraged from getting dirty or wet when I played. I don't ever remember using paint until Kindergarten, and the thought of purposefully jumping in puddles made me shudder.

I don't tell this for the sake of having a pity party. I tell this because it helps me understand why it's sometimes hard for me to let the kids make a mess. I have to consciously let my kids get dirty and wet during play. Whether it be water, dirt, mud, paint or markers, I have to let them. It's the way kids learn best. This I know, even if it wasn't my own experience.

Making a mess is not something that comes naturally to me. It's taking a lot of retraining on my part. I can't tell you the number of times I've had to stop myself from saying: "Don't do that! You'll get wet/messy/etc". The truth is, most kids don't mind getting messy. It's mostly because of disapproving adults that children begin to think that dirty equals bad.

Playgrounds are a prime example. Small puddles of water are at the end of each slide in the morning, and the sandbox is a little muddy. Rosie went down a slide, got her bottom wet, and looked at me questioningly. Instead of the old me, who would have been annoyed and bothered, I said "It's alright, honey. We have extra clothes in the car." She smiled and went on her way, not bothered at all with wet pants.

Buddy was digging in the sandbox, and he was dumping some of the pails that had rain water in them directly onto his shoes. This surely would have bothered me a few years ago. Now? I knew they'd dry in the sun that afternoon. I've had to tell myself over and over that there is nothing wrong with them getting dirty. Change the outfit when they're done playing. Don't dress them in something you wouldn't want to get dirty. Carry extra clothes in the car at all times.

It's pretty simple.

One last step that I still forget sometimes- I have to dress for play, too. When I know we're going to use paint, or be outdoors, I need to wear clothes that I don't care terribly about, so I don't have to be "afraid" of getting dirty, either. I do these things because I don't want my kids to think dirty equals bad. I want them to think that messy equals fun, something I'm learning through them every day.

Going to Work

"Be good for Daddy," I said first to Buddy as I kissed him on the forehead, then Rosie. "Mommy's going to work."

I can't deny it, it felt good to say it.

Not because I've missed work. Not because I think a need a job to be important.

It felt good to say it because I want to be an example to my children. I want to show them that, after 3 years of being a stay at home mom, I felt like I could do more, so I am doing more. That feeling first began two years ago when I was elected to school committee. From the get-go, I enjoyed the meetings, being a part of something and making decisions. I enjoyed getting my head out of Mommy-dom a few hours a month.

Then the newsletter editor/clerk position with the Council on Aging came up. It seemed right, and it was- I do 90% of the work from home, it doesn't take important time away from the kids and it keeps my toes in the working world.

That night that I kissed Rosie and Buddy goodbye, it was time to print my first newsletter. I got in my Focus and drove the less than 2 miles to the center of town. I parked, got my box of stuff, and headed to the door, keys in hand- the keys to my old elementary school, that now houses the town offices. I couldn't help but smile as I unlocked the door, and walked into the entrance way that seemed so big when I was a Kindergartner. I went down the hall, and unlocked yet another door- the classroom I had grades 2nd through 4th.

I was going to print, staple, label and stamp roughly 200 newsletters in the classroom I spent nearly every day in for three years. It was a future I simply couldn't have imagined!

My supervisor and another member of the COA came to help me, which I was very thankful for, as it took us a few hours with the three of us. We worked, talked and laughed. I came home feeling very satisfied.

Could I "just" be a stay at home mom? Yes. No one would question it. There's nothing wrong with "just" being or doing anything. But when you have a feeling you could tackle more? That maybe there's something out there that you would enjoy and would help you grow? It's always worth taking a shot.

I'm glad I did.

Less Watching, More Doing

My TV habits have changed a lot in the past few years.

When I first became a stay at home mom, I would watch shows like "Judge Judy", "The Price is Right" and "The Talk" daily. I daresay it's what helped me get through those bleak days when I was sleep deprived, adult interaction deprived and feeling a little lost.

I remember when I stopped watching as much TV- it was when Rosie really started noticing it, around 9 months old. It would put her in a zombie-like state and she would watch it forever if I let her.

I decided that wasn't happening.

So then I started saving my shows for when she napped. Then I had Buddy, and I did rely on it a little heavily at times when I needed it to occupy Rosie. As soon as we all snapped out of the 2nd newborn fog, the TV got turned on less and less.

The kids watch approximately 20 minutes during the morning when I'm getting them dressed and making breakfast, and for about 30 minutes in the afternoon after they get up from their nap. It works. It's just enough that it's still very much a "treat". There are days when it's on much more than that, and there are days when it's turned on even less than that.

I'm excited about the shows Steve and I like that will be returning in the next few weeks. It's a sure sign of Fall! Soon we'll be hunkering down each night, watching them once the kids are in bed.

I have found that for the most part now I don't watch TV during the day, even during the kids' afternoon nap. Instead, I roast the veggies for that night's dinner. I bring in the clothes, fold them, hang another load out on the line. While I do these things, I think about this little space of mine, this blog, and the things I want to write about. I email friends.

Sometimes just vegging out on the couch with the TV on is the best thing for me, if it's been a hard day. But I have found that the more productive I am, the happier I am.

Less watching, more doing. It's been good for me, physically and mentally.

The Biggest Sap

I am the biggest sap I know.

It takes barely anything to make me cry these days. A song on the radio, a sweet exchange in a book or a movie, you name it. I have a playlist on my iPod, called "Love" where I put all the songs that remind me of Steve and the kids. "Over the Rainbow" is on it, a song I sang to both kids when I was pregnant with each, and my voice still breaks when I sing it, because I can remember how I loved them before they were even born.

I thought maybe this crying-easily-thing was a mom thing. Then I thought about it more and realized it was a little more than that.

I cry easily because I've encountered the acute pain that comes with suddenly losing someone you love deeply. I experienced that pain three times in less than a two year span, when I lost three of the most important women in my life- my mom and both my grandmothers.

I cry easily because I know I am meant to be with Steve, and 11 years later, that knowledge and my love for him still overwhelms me at times. He is my rock.

I cry easily because not once, but twice, I gave birth and witnessed the biggest miracle that there is. Every day I love my children a little more, and my heart seems to grow bigger and bigger to accommodate.

I cry easily because God made all of this possible. The births, the love, the sad goodbyes. It's easy to look the other way, spirituality-wise, when you're just going through life without too many bumps in the road. I did that myself. It's not until you experience the highest highs and the lowest lows that you can let yourself fully feel, fully experience life, and sometimes cry- not just because you're sad, not just because you're happy, but because you now know that every day counts.

Change

Rosie went on a pony ride at the fair last week. Buddy is talking up a storm.

This is my fourth September as a stay at home mom, and it is the best and easiest yet.

2010: 2 week old Rosie and me. 2011: 1 year old Rosie and 4 months pregnant me. 2012: 2 year old Rosie, 8 month old Buddy. 2013: 3 year old Rosie, almost 20 month old Buddy.

Stop right there.

Both of my kids are toddlers now? When did that happen?

I go through the day to day routine. I change the diapers, fix breakfast, lunch and dinner, wipe boogery noses, read books, sing B-I-N-G-O one more time. And somewhere, sometime during all of that, my kids grew. Right beneath my own (hopefully not too boogery) nose.

The time, which day to day can drag at times, is slipping like sand through my fingers.

I realized when I saw a Babies 'R' Us flier- hey, we haven't shopped there in almost a year...

I realized when we gave all of our baby boy clothes to Steve's sister and all of our baby girl clothes to a good friend- hey, we're done with the baby stage. We don't need these things anymore...

Bittersweet? Yes. Empowering? Yes.

We went to a family reunion a few weekends ago, and Rosie spent the whole time running around with her cousin, who is a year older. They had a blast. There was no need for me. I was pretty much in disbelief, as I retreated to the picnic table, a drink in hand. I asked myself: "Is life starting to get a little easier?"

The answer is: Yes. Rosie, my little sidekick, is more independent than she's ever been and doesn't need me by her every step of the way anymore. Buddy, my little adventurer, is still quite content to go off and discover, and bring back to me what he finds.

It took a while, but the two of them now run around the house like crazy together, laughing and giggling. "They will be each other's best friend" everyone told me, when I got pregnant so soon after Rosie. It's true- they are. It's the sweetest thing I've ever seen, the way they love each other.

Things are changing. And while it makes me a little nostalgic at times, mostly it excites me to keep going forward and seeing how life with these two little ones unfolds.

It's Official

It's official.

The hummingbirds are gone, the sun is rising later and setting earlier, and more and more frequently I'm spotting orange maple leaves glowing against the green grass. Our Apple Cider Yankee Candle is burning, and I'm making our first "cooler weather" meal of the season - Split Pea Soup- in the crock pot.

Summer is on its way out.

On one hand, I'm ready. No humidity, pumpkin spice coffee and corn mazes sound pretty spectacular right now. On the other hand, I would totally be up for more nights of playing croquet until dark, wine tastings on top of a hill with a four state view and more time in the sand and sun.

We have a lot of traditions this fall that I'm looking forward to. We like to go pumpkin picking, get lost in a corn maze and go on a hunt for the best cider donuts around. This year we plan to also do some apple picking and finally see the Fall Foliage Parade. The little things at home that will make it seem like fall are burning our fall Yankee Candle scents (we stock up on them during deals after Christmas), doing puzzles, and making leaf piles and doing fall crafts.

What's not to love?

I guess I am ready, after all.

Reflections a Year Later: The Active Part

I don't work out.

I did Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred a few weeks last winter, and while I liked aspects of it, it just wasn't something I saw myself doing every day.

I walk the dogs as often as possible but that's not how I've maintained my weight loss.

I lost 62 lbs and have maintained it because I eat healthily and I just don't stop moving.

From the moment I'm up in the morning around 6:30am, I'm throwing in a load of laundry, letting the dogs out, showering and dressing. I do sit down at the laptop with my bagel and coffee, but after that?

If I'm sitting, it must be because I'm either driving or eating lunch.

The simple act of being constantly in motion, which is made entirely possible by the fact that I now have two toddlers who are constantly in motion, is how I stay in shape. While they eat breakfast, I'm putting last night's dishes away, taking out the trash, making grocery lists. They play and run around the house until we leave for our outing of the day. At the playground? You won't see me sitting on the bench, watching. I'm standing right by or sometimes on it (not going to lie, this is more about necessity- Buddy is a little too much of a daredevil on these play structures). At the splash park, I'm right out there with them, trying to encourage them to run through the sprinklers. I'm pushing them in the double stroller. I'm pushing them on the swings.

I don't stop moving.

I didn't always have the energy for this. Back when I used to eat unhealthily, this kind of lifestyle would have exhausted me. Now that I eat better, I have the energy to keep up with the kids all day. After dinner, my energy starts to wane, but I always have two dogs staring at me and following me around because they know it's Walk Time. So, I go. Then I come back, and Steve and I tackle the dishes and I bring in the day's laundry off the clothesline, fold it and put it away.

Around 8pm, I finally sit on the couch with Steve and relax.

What a change from when I used to spend most of my day on the couch (when the kids were babies) or in an office chair (the five years I worked at the paper). It's no wonder I gained weight like crazy.

It's not to say that actual working out wouldn't be good for me. I know it would be. But right now? I'd rather "work out" by carrying a vacuum upstairs, hanging clothes up, carrying my 26 lb son around, and chasing after both kids with a sunscreen bottle in hand. I'm thankful that the very nature of what I do every day allows me to be so active. It's made all the difference.

Those Hills and That Mountain

The view at the top of the quarry still catches my breath.

Rolling, green hills bathed in early evening sunlight. An occasional house or barn spotting the hillside. And, when I look further to the west, in the haze, I see That Mountain.

That Mountain that I lived and studied next to during my four years at college. Mt. Greylock.

I was overjoyed the first time I spotted it. At first I wasn't quite sure, but then I saw the familiar top of that tower, and the Lime-Marble Quarry next to it on the left.

I met some of the most important people in my life while living next to that mountain. I met my husband within the first 5 months of being there. I met amazing women and men who I forged lifetime friendships with: friendships that always pick up where they left off.

I laughed, cried and learned so much at the base of that mountain. It was where I became independent for the first time in my life. Whew, that was a sharp learning curve. Bye-bye, savings account!

How is it possible that it was 12 years ago that I started those adventures?

I look at that mountain now, and remember the excitement I felt about going back there to start another school year. I remember leafing through the Target flier, looking for good deals on all that I thought I needed to have that year. I remember feeling sad about leaving Goshen because it had finally started to feel like home again after being back for 3.5 months, but also feeling relieved because I longed to be independent again.

I look, smile, and remember. Then I look down the hill, towards our house, and think about my college sweetheart and the two kids in their beds that exist because of us meeting by that mountain. I call Maggie, and pull Scout's leash, and walk down off the quarry with a warm heart.

Pickle Time

It's a summer tradition in our house to make my grandmother's pickle recipe. They're not sweet pickles, they're just about the opposite of that. They make you pucker a little, but I haven't met anyone yet who doesn't like them!

Pickling cucumbers are a dime a dozen this time of year (well, not literally, but almost!), and when you can these pickles, you get to enjoy them through the whole fall, winter and spring until the following year when you make them again.

They're really easy:

Grandma C's Pickles

1 dozen good sized cucumbers
6 medium onions
1/2 cup salt
1 quart vinegar
1 cup Wesson (canola) oil
1/4 cup mustard seed
1 tablespoon celery seed

Do not peel cucumbers. Slice into 1/4" rounds. Put into large pot and sprinkle with salt. Let stand 3 hours.

Drain. Add chopped onion and the rest of the ingredients. Let stand 3 days. <----- This is the best part! After all, you "need" to try them throughout the 3 days, and they're just sitting there, waiting for you to test them. :)

Seal into jars.

Enjoy!

Three

Dear Rosie,

Tomorrow you turn three.

Just the other day, your uncle, aunt and great grandpa were commenting on how much you've grown since they last saw you. You were eating unfamiliar food off your plate, and smiling and conversing. You used to be so shy when people came over that you would cling to me the entire time. I knew it was a stage that would pass, and while you're still incredibly shy from time to time, that's okay.

It's not a bad thing. It's okay to be cautious, to be weary about the unfamiliar. Don't let anyone ever make you feel bad about your shyness. Not everyone has to be outgoing. When it takes you a few minutes to warm up to a new situation, I understand. I'm that way, too.

On the other hand, you've been running up to kids left and right at the various playgrounds we go to, and it makes me so very, very happy. You make quick friends, and run around with them, shrieking and laughing. It makes my heart so happy when I see you enjoying yourself. One big change in the past year for you is that you intentionally seek out the things and activities you enjoy. I love to see the different interests that emerge every day, whether it's playing basketball or being Minnie Mouse.

Your creativity and imagination are through the roof. While you only nap occasionally now, you will spend a good hour or more in the afternoon, playing with your toys in your room, imagining ornate worlds that I only wish I could see, too. It doesn't take much- sometimes a play cup and spoon is all you need to start dancing and singing around the house for several minutes at a time. What's fun is that Buddy wants to do everything you do now, and you often delight in him running around with you.

I can honestly say that it is hard to imagine my life before you, Rosemarie Donna. You really are my little sidekick these days, and we talk about most everything as we go through our days together. You are my one and only little girl, and if I hold onto you a little tighter and longer sometimes, it's only because I'm so thankful I have you.

I love you forever and ever,
Mama

Feel this Moment

There was the relaxing sound of the water moving over the rocks in the river. The sun beat down on us, warming our skin but not making it too hot. There was a beautiful bright blue sky with both white and dark clouds passing by.

And I was in a tube, for the first time ever.

Not just any tube- a nice one with a backrest and cup holder. I was in a newfound Vermont heaven.

My friend and I sat in our tubes in a very shallow part of the river and chatted about life. About how her boys were nearly grown up, about how my babies still needed so much from me, and while I was happy to give it, I needed times like this, too.  We talked about the importance of friends, girlfriends in particular.

I felt that moment.

I closed my eyes, leaned back, and took in the warmth of the sun. I felt the coolness of the can on my fingertips, and I heard the guys laughing as they drifted towards us. I knew this was one of those moments that I wanted to memorize, so I could access it whenever I wanted to, like on a bleak day in January when the temperature doesn't get above 10 degrees and I think summer will never arrive.

I knew it was a moment so I made it a point to be present. I think I'm slowly getting better at that.