Are You Listening?

My best friend is really great about hooking me up with Christian books that make me pause.

One of them changed my life, and steered me to a course of reconciliation with someone I care very much about. That book is What's So Amazing About Grace? by Philip Yancey.

Another such wonderful book that she put into my hands recently is Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World by Joanna Weaver. In that book is a quote that struck a deep chord with me. It reads as follows:

How Does God Talk to You?

While we know God speaks clearly to us through the Bible, many of us are uncertain how to hear God's voice in our spirit. "How does God speak to you?" someone asked author and speaker Carole Mayhall. I have found her answer immensely practical and helpful:

For me, He speaks by a distinct impression in my heart. He's never spoken to me aloud, but sometimes the thought that He puts in my soul is so vivid that He might as well have! Many times it is just a thought or an idea that flashes into my mind and I know it is from Him...

Sometimes a thought pops into my mind- a thought so different from what I was thinking, or so creative I never would have thought of it, or opposite to what I wanted God to say to me. When that happens-- and it lines up with God's word-- I know I've heard his voice in a distinct way... .

I pray frequently that I'll hear His voice more often and more clearly. When I don't, I know He hasn't stopped speaking; rather, I have stopped listening. (as cited in Weaver, 2000).

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I definitely had an "aha" moment when I read this passage. I knew exactly what Carole Mayhall was referring to! So many times in my life a thought has entered my head and I thought, "Now where did that come from?" Now it just seems obvious that thought came from God...God does speak to me... every day!

Consider my mind blown. Now all I need to do is listen, which I equate with what people call "trusting their gut". I used to think I had to be more religious, more something, to hear the voice of God. What a relief to find He talks to all of us, every single day.

Now that I know this, I don't want to stop listening. Ever.

Five Happy Things

Five things that made me happy this week:

1. Fireflies- They're lighting up our backyard like they haven't in years. I could watch them forever.

2. Thunderstorms- I now actually love the ominous, dark clouds that roll in from the west.

3. Look Park with my Little Guy- We've been hosting a few get-togethers at our house lately, which usually translates to Buddy and I running errands for such gatherings beforehand. This week, though? We had a Wednesday morning with no big plans. We dropped Rosie off at preschool and spent the entire morning at Look Park. I let him decide what to do, and how long we spent doing it. He decided we should do everything! Stroller ride, feeding the fish, the train, zoo, playground, splash park. As the youngest, he rarely gets to make so many executive decisions. He reveled in making the choices, and I delighted in letting him! It was one of the best mornings we have ever had together- very special and memorable!

4. Martinis & Manicures- Monday night, a group of us ladies went to a local restaurant to partake in a $20 martini and manicure night sponsored by the local spa. It was so much fun! It included a 15 minute chair massage, which is the first professional massage I had ever had...and, oh my goodness... it has convinced me that Steve and I should finally splurge on that couples' massage for our anniversary that we've always talked about but never done!

5. It's Steve's Last Day- After a grueling school year, today, at last, is Steve's last day. The kids and I get to have him around for the next two months! I'm excited for our beach vacation and the day trips we have planned. I cherish this family time we get to have.


What made you happy this week?

Bad Patterns

It's funny how all of a sudden I find myself in patterns that I don't particularly like.

Going to bed later than I should.
Waiting 'til the last minute to do...everything.
Eating more than I need.

So now that I've noticed the bad patterns, I need to get out of them. These may be "small" bad patterns, but they're not helpful and they have an affect on my day to day life.

Less sleep= irritable.
Procrastinating= stressed.
Overeating= irritable & stressed.

Every morning is a chance to do things right again, and today I vow to get back on track. The more I tell myself I can, the better chance that I will.

What are some bad patterns that you fall into when you're stressed, and how do you get out of them?

Heaven Talking

One of the highlights of my day is hearing what Rosie talks about while she's at school.

When I came to pick her up Friday, her teacher told me: "Today, Rosie was talking to people from Heaven."

I asked her to repeat what she said.

She did, then went on to explain. "We brought the kids to the park and they were running around. Rosie comes up to me and says: 'I just talked to my Great Grampa up in Heaven. He said if I pump my arms like this, I'll go faster' and off she went."

I looked, dumbfounded, at Rosie's teacher.

"It's a year to the day that he passed", I said as both my eyes and her eyes welled up at the realization.

Neither I or anyone else had mentioned anything to Rosie about it being a year since Great Grampa passed. Never before had she mentioned Great Grampa up in Heaven talking to her.

Coincidence? Some would think so.

But I Believe.

Five Observations

Five observations I made this week:

1. Without fail, I feel like I'm walking on clouds when I wear new sneakers. It makes me realize how little support my old ones were giving me. No wonder my hip was bothering me more. The husband was right...

2. Since we started watching "The Price is Right" now and then, I've noticed that Rosie's imaginary price amounts have increased dramatically. The "pet fish" she was trying to "sell" me cost "ten hundred dollars". Before, it was more like "three dollars".

3. June is the best month to be a stay at home mom. We have some summer-like weather, but school's not out yet so some places (ahem, DAR beach) are still deserted except for a few other parent & child groups like ourselves. It's quite wonderful. And quiet.

4. One of my favorite quick, easy dinners is still Pastrami Sandwiches. So simple, so good. My mom made them and now I do as well. Toast up some English muffins, fry thinly sliced pastrami in the frying pan, add a piece of cheese towards the end, just enough so it melts. A little mayo on the English muffins, slap the pastrami and cheese on. Enjoy. Roast a veggie to go with it and you're golden.

5. One of the prettiest times of day at our house is about an hour before the sun goes down. Our yard, which is in the sun all day, begins to change over to shade, but there's still enough amber sunlight to make things look downright magical.

What's an observation you made this week?

What I Want To Tell New Moms

My very, very good friend from college is in labor as I type this blog entry.

I'm just holding my breath a few hundred miles away, praying and wishing for a healthy baby and an easy delivery.

I'm just thinking of the things I want to tell her, and all new moms. The things I wish I had known:

 1.Sleep when the baby sleeps. When the baby sleeps, do whatever relaxes you most. While you will most likely be sleep deprived in those first few weeks, it doesn't mean that every time the baby is asleep, you'll want to be, too. For me, decluttering the house or hopping online was more relaxing than catching a few z's. When the baby's asleep, you finally have a few minutes all to yourself. Do something that makes you happy.

2. "Breast is best". It simply depends on the person. If you want to try breastfeeding, great. If you don't want to, that's great, too. There is nothing wrong with formula feeding. Breastfeeding is on the rise and very much encouraged, but it should not be at the expense of making mothers feel ashamed to use formula. That is not right. Breastfeeding can be a beautiful, natural experience, but it can also be painful and frustrating. I am glad I was able to nurse both my kids, for varying amounts of time (6 months with my first, 6 days with my second). Both of them also had formula. Formula is not the end of the world, like some would make you believe. It's a suitable nutrient for babies. Do what works for you, your body and your baby, and do not feel ashamed about your decision.

3. Life will never be the same. While the sentence I just crossed out has some truth to it, I find this sentiment more helpful: Life will not always feels as crazy as it does in the first weeks of having a baby, but it will always have an edge of craziness to it. I often describe the first month of Rosie's existence as the month I felt like a stranger in my own home. We were sleep deprived, she was colicky: it was tough going for a while. The sleepless nights ended just about the time I thought they never would. She got older, I became a more experienced mom, and things got better. A new normal formed. That being said, to this day, just as things start feeling comfortable, a new developmental stage emerges, thus the "edge of craziness" factor. What your kid adored yesterday, he may hate today. What he wasn't afraid of today, he might be tomorrow. Kids leave you no choice but to be flexible.

Good luck, my friend. I'm here for you. It's going to be tough for a little while, but I promise the very best days of your life are ahead- the days where your heart will be so full you think it will burst.

Love you.

Sometimes, Marriage...

Sometimes, marriage sounds a lot like this:

Steve: "So...do you remember a conversation we had in the middle of the night last night?"

A faint memory tugs, but it doesn't appear. "No" I reply, knowing this is going to be a good one.

Steve: "Well, I was in the other room...I couldn't sleep...and all of a sudden I hear you saying 'No! Stop! That's bad!'"

The memory tugs a little harder, but still nothing.

Steve: "Naturally I went into our room to see what you were yelling about, and when I asked you if you were okay, you responded: 'Yeah. It's just that someone was trying to throw baby octopuses at me'. Then you rolled over and went back to sleep".

As soon as he said "baby octopuses" I started laughing, hard. I do remember having a dream along those lines, and vaguely remember Steve asking me if I was okay, and thinking that my explanation was totally reasonable.

I'm so thankful God has a sense of humor. Can you imagine a world without it?

Five Little Things

My mood depends more on the weather than I'd care to admit, and this week has been a doozy. Here are five little things that made my week better:

1. Buddy and I were at a local store, picking out a book for the baby we were going to visit, when I spied a small basket...holding toys that were discounted to 25 cents each! The first thing I noticed was a little train car in the shape of an S. I thought for sure it was put in the basket by mistake, since the other toys were not as good, but sure enough, on the back of the tag, $2.99 had been crossed out, and 25 cents was written below. One more second of going through the basket produced an R train car. Those were the only two train cars in that basket, and they just happened to be the first initials of my kids. Of course I got them, and the kids have been happily playing with them ever since!

2. My friend and I went out to dinner in Northampton, and we ended the evening by eating sundaes from Herrell's outside. Need I say more? Dinner + dessert + good friend + nice enough to eat outdoors= A great time!

3. Redbox had a promo code for Rent 1, Get 1 Free. Just the thing we needed to get through yet another rainy day! We got "The Nut Job", which completely held Rosie's attention the whole time and had her laughing, and I got "Her" (the Joaquin Phoenix movie about the man who falls in love with the AI operating system on his computer). It was captivating! I enjoyed it very much. I didn't realize from the previews that it was a movie set in the future. It really made me wonder where we're heading with our addiction to our phones/email/being connected.

4. We're splurging on steak tonight for the first time since sometime last year. I've been scouring the fliers for a good deal, and this week Big Y finally has a good sale on Porterhouse. To go along with the steak, I'll be making our favorite Gorgonzola Sauce. We'll have baked potatoes and roasted broccoli with it. I'm pretty psyched.

5. Buddy was getting sleepy towards the end of "The Nut Job" yesterday, so he did his little thing where he started sucking his thumb, and cuddling against my chest. My baby has very few babyish things left about him, and I find myself savoring those moments more than ever. I love my little cuddler.

What little thing made your week?

Weep

Last month we planted flowers at the graves of our loved ones, as we do every Memorial Day. I explained to Rosie and Buddy that we were doing it to show our family members in Heaven that we love them, miss them and remember them.

There are a few figurines at my grandma's headstone- one of them, a cocker spaniel, because she and Pop Pop had one named Misty. Rosie asked if she could hold it, I said yes, and in moments she had picked it up gently and was creating an imaginary world with it.

It's something my Grandma would have loved to see.

I reorganized the flowers I had left remaining to plant in the Goshen cemetery, and stood up. It was time to head out. Rosie carefully put the cocker spaniel back, and Steve started getting her and Buddy buckled into the car.

I looked back at Gram's headstone, now freshly adorned with a variety of annuals. I felt my throat tighten. She passed in 2004. It had been 10 years, a third of my life. How had that much time passed?

Just then, a whisper, in my head: "Do not stand at my grave and weep...".

It was a line from Gram's favorite poem that she had read at funerals of her family members:

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.         By Mary Elizabeth Frye

It was at that moment that I looked at the beautiful blue sky with its puffy white clouds, smelled the sweet scent of spring flowers and heard my children's laughter.

It was true: she was with God. And God is all around us.

She did not die.
                

The Sweetest Thing

Something Rosie said to me a few weeks ago has been resonating in my head ever since.

I slipped on my boots and I told her I was going to just hang a few things up on the clothesline while she and Buddy stayed inside. (The grass was wet with dew and I knew it would take me longer to get them ready to go out than it would to actually complete the task at hand).

She just looked at me, and in her matter-of-fact, let-me-explain voice, said:

"Mom, where you go is where we want to go."

Buddy, hovering nearby, shook his head up and down in agreement.

I smiled and pulled them both in for a bear hug. "Okay," I said, and we got on their boots and coats.

Little did they know, 12 years ago, their father sang a song to me softly, and it became "our song". Little did they know, some of the lines go like this:

"... I am no hero, oh that’s for sure
But I do know one thing
Where you are, is where I belong
I do know, where you go, is where I want to be..." ~ Dave Matthews Band, "Where Are You Going?"

To hear Rosie paraphrase "our song"?

It was the sweetest thing.

Truths

1. I will never get sick of my kids handing me wildflower after wildflower. They do it every time we're outside. "Mama, you love flowers! Here you go. I picked you one." Dandelions, buttercups, violets. I love them all.

2. Grandparents (and great grandparents) are the sweetest people to exist. When we visited my Pop Pop this week, he says: "Hey, you better not lose much more weight there, you'll blow away!" Haha. Thanks, Pop Pop. I assured him I hadn't lost any more weight since last year at this time. It made me smile because Steve's Gramp Pease was telling me the same thing a year ago. You gotta love a grandparent's concern!

3. Hummingbird feeders, and bird feeders in general are the cheapest entertainment available. We love, love, love feeding the birds at this house. When the bears woke up, we put the bird feeder away and put out the hummingbird feeders. Our tiny feathered friends started arriving immediately! We enjoy it so much we have two feeders- one in the front yard, and one we can watch out our back window when we're in the kitchen. It's so much fun to see the hummingbirds dive in for a drink! It's easy to make the hummingbird food with this recipe.

4. Speaking of recipes, this one for kabobs is a winner. Yay for grilling season!

5. It feels good to be rewarded. Pampers, Pampers, Pampers. We've been buying them for almost four year straight (no, I would rather not calculate the cost on that). We've tried almost all the other brands of diapers, but this is the brand that's been most reliable with the fewest leaks. For almost four years, I've been diligently entering in the reward points off every single pack of diapers. Turns out, after this long, we finally had enough points to get the "top prize"- a PlasmaCar. I ordered it and it came in just a few days later! It's as much fun as it looks.

What truth did you discover (or rediscover) this week?

The Need

There are so many little things we can do to help people in need. Giving blood is one of those things- and it's free.

The Red Cross is having trouble getting people in to donate. I was only their 10th person in the 3 hours they'd been there. Just a week earlier they were at UMass and only got 9 people.

Nine.

That's not a lot when you think of all the people, all across the U.S., who need blood every two seconds.

I'm only a year into donating on a regular basis (and by that I mean 2-3x a year) but I was amazed again today, at how quick and efficient it was. I was in and out in 40 minutes. I checked in, answered questions, had a mini physical and then donated blood. All things considered, it took barely any time out of my day at all.

It's such an easy way to make a difference.

I urge you to make an appointment to donate blood today. You can find a location close to you at this website: http://www.redcrossblood.org/donating-blood

It's a no-brainer that makes you feel good.

This Day, Last Year

Today marks a very special day for me. It was exactly one year ago that I stepped on the scale and saw a number I never thought I would see: 149. In 10 months time, I had lost 60 lbs.

Today I stepped on the scale and saw 151.

I rejoiced.

I have managed to maintain my healthy weight through an entire year which included a particularly long, hard winter. Now some might say, "But wait...you weigh 2 lbs more than a year ago. So technically, you haven't exactly maintained it."

Not true. I know my body now.

I know that just within a day, my weight can fluctuate 2-3 lbs.

I know that some days, weight gain is just from bloat.

I know that it's not realistic to hover right at a single weight for an entire year.

What's more realistic is that I give myself a 5 lb range to stay in (149-154). For most of the year, I was able to do this easily. I won't lie, though. Parts of this super cold winter got to me. Some days I ate a little too much, and was less active than I'd like to be.

Truth be told, I saw 156 on the scale at one point this winter.

It scared the heck out of me.

I redoubled my efforts and came back down.

While eating healthy in itself is not a struggle for me, I know now that I really need to watch myself in the colder months. I'm not moving as much, which means I can't afford the extra calories I can sometimes get away with in the summer.

This past year has been a learning experience. There is always room to improve when it comes to living healthfully. In the meantime, I'll keep stepping on that scale every other day. It keeps me in line and it keeps me accountable.

I will never return to my old ways. I've worked too hard for this.